So.. as mentioned before #13 came with me to the annual 4th of July festival.. and survived.
And promptly took a job in another state..
And somewhere in that heat fueled nite we took a picture in front of the ferris wheel.
And he wants it.. and I want him to have it.. so I asked Libs to please get it to me..
And she did.. in a way.
When I plugged in the memory card I almost died at the 2068 pictures. No this is not a Nikki'ageration.. none needed.. she has 2068 pictures.... going back roughly two years..
And on it?
Something that has bothered me all day. It bothered me last nite. It bothered my dreams. It bothers my senses.. it just plain bothers.
Ready?
...
HA.
Like the relationship.. t'aint happening, cher!
Keith, Hissy, and I ... sitting in a favorite place.. on a favorite nite.. smiling.. with his eyes. me an almost tan pale white.. hissy..being hissy of course.. and it bothered me so that I was going to remark upon it.. but..
Too bad.. apparently my laptop disliked the idea of putting a picture of me and him online SO much it deleted the entire 2068 batch of pictures.
NOT.... ? ? ... funny (?) really.. but somehow right.
Apparently my electronic items really are trying to tell me there are better uses of my time.. perhaps this 239023098 hours of training I have a left to do in the next WEEK. & now to ask to get the camera again so I can get this shot of me and #13 printed for his going away prezzie.. I shall miss him.
But still....it should be noted... I looked happy.
~finis
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Sparks & Booms
So. The 4th has passed.. and we're all still standing.. some of us are barely breathing.. but standing.. yes.
I had scheduled a few vacation days off to expand the company holiday that was planned.. I think I had planned on escaping somewhere with someone when the vacation was picked last year.. last year.. when I was hopeful and innocent and believing in people's words and promises.
I trained the Moms and the Libs that there would be no bothering me. I slept late. I was just finishing my coffee at noon on Thursday and got a call letting me know my grandmother's sister died. It happened to be my great grandmother's anniversary. My granny had talked to her sister so she felt ok..I think it's hard to be the one left behind sometimes more than others.
It was hard hearing other people say how badly my Snoball looks. They weren't being hurtful or trying to cause harm.. they were being honest. I am ever more aware of how very blessed I am to have this time with her. with them. with you.
So instead of lounging laziness we had things to do and items on the to do list.. cooking and baking and errand running and lots and lots of heat.
After the funeral and the required visit at the family's house.. and the enjoyment of my mother's first cousins.. and the smothering heat with a tease of a breeze.. We headed home to bake (snickerdoodles) and rest.
Sometime near 430 we headed to town to prepare for the annual 4th of July parade through beautiful downtown Erath, La.
I saw some people I hadn't seen in years. I didnt necessarily speak to them.
We were hot. It was hot. We had a nice enough time and somewhere around the end I got a call from #13 telling me that he and his mother were nearby and needed to be guided in.
Once they were parked and introductions went all the way around the moms settled in my brother and Lib's house and we settled outside under a tent and on the side of a huge shop fan.
During the evening and the various visits #13 and I strolled through the fair a few times.
On my first visit I noticed a shaved head and an unshaven face.
I love the poeple I love without reason. Far too often without thinking and for far too long and well after they dont deserve it. This was a long lost friend that had hurt my feelings recently (I can't lie.. I am rather fragile these days) and in an effort to NOT put on a fireworks show on the side of the Beer Booth.. I avoided.
Until the last trip. Stupid head decided to push. I honestly always knew he had brain damage. I figured this out when after getting out of the Marines he joined the National Guard and went to freakin Iraq. Stupidhead ignored me shaking my head no. He ignored the really not nice eyes. He still strolled over... put his arms around me and proceeded to make me want to kill him. Again.
It's a love that I would expect some people feel for their siblings. Except we arent related and he's made my heart cry and while he might be living right right now.. pushing me isnt smart.
I didn't spill blood. I would love for someone to give me credit about that. .I didn't scream and I didn't explode.. #13 didn't run screaming.. I think it was fair warning to him about crossing me.
And when we got back home he received a text message about his new job. Jackonville. Great. I can do this.. possibly with a smile on my face even.. but my heart is sad..
Karma is getting a laugh at me.. but I will prevail because I can do this better for #13 than Keith did for me. If nothing else, I suck at wrapping people in bubble wrap.. and I've yet to master the apparent talent to flat out ignore the connection and bond I feel.
It was a vastly different 4th of July from last year's celebration of freedom. I cannot imagine if that 4th went differently where we'd be now.. but this is our path.. and we'll take the sparks of interest and attraction and common bond. We'll take the booms of news that we were expecting but not wanting.. We'll take it. And we'll continue our path togther.. the same but different.. adding to the circle and continuing on.
I had scheduled a few vacation days off to expand the company holiday that was planned.. I think I had planned on escaping somewhere with someone when the vacation was picked last year.. last year.. when I was hopeful and innocent and believing in people's words and promises.
I trained the Moms and the Libs that there would be no bothering me. I slept late. I was just finishing my coffee at noon on Thursday and got a call letting me know my grandmother's sister died. It happened to be my great grandmother's anniversary. My granny had talked to her sister so she felt ok..I think it's hard to be the one left behind sometimes more than others.
It was hard hearing other people say how badly my Snoball looks. They weren't being hurtful or trying to cause harm.. they were being honest. I am ever more aware of how very blessed I am to have this time with her. with them. with you.
So instead of lounging laziness we had things to do and items on the to do list.. cooking and baking and errand running and lots and lots of heat.
After the funeral and the required visit at the family's house.. and the enjoyment of my mother's first cousins.. and the smothering heat with a tease of a breeze.. We headed home to bake (snickerdoodles) and rest.
Sometime near 430 we headed to town to prepare for the annual 4th of July parade through beautiful downtown Erath, La.
I saw some people I hadn't seen in years. I didnt necessarily speak to them.
We were hot. It was hot. We had a nice enough time and somewhere around the end I got a call from #13 telling me that he and his mother were nearby and needed to be guided in.
Once they were parked and introductions went all the way around the moms settled in my brother and Lib's house and we settled outside under a tent and on the side of a huge shop fan.
During the evening and the various visits #13 and I strolled through the fair a few times.
On my first visit I noticed a shaved head and an unshaven face.
I love the poeple I love without reason. Far too often without thinking and for far too long and well after they dont deserve it. This was a long lost friend that had hurt my feelings recently (I can't lie.. I am rather fragile these days) and in an effort to NOT put on a fireworks show on the side of the Beer Booth.. I avoided.
Until the last trip. Stupid head decided to push. I honestly always knew he had brain damage. I figured this out when after getting out of the Marines he joined the National Guard and went to freakin Iraq. Stupidhead ignored me shaking my head no. He ignored the really not nice eyes. He still strolled over... put his arms around me and proceeded to make me want to kill him. Again.
It's a love that I would expect some people feel for their siblings. Except we arent related and he's made my heart cry and while he might be living right right now.. pushing me isnt smart.
I didn't spill blood. I would love for someone to give me credit about that. .I didn't scream and I didn't explode.. #13 didn't run screaming.. I think it was fair warning to him about crossing me.
And when we got back home he received a text message about his new job. Jackonville. Great. I can do this.. possibly with a smile on my face even.. but my heart is sad..
Karma is getting a laugh at me.. but I will prevail because I can do this better for #13 than Keith did for me. If nothing else, I suck at wrapping people in bubble wrap.. and I've yet to master the apparent talent to flat out ignore the connection and bond I feel.
It was a vastly different 4th of July from last year's celebration of freedom. I cannot imagine if that 4th went differently where we'd be now.. but this is our path.. and we'll take the sparks of interest and attraction and common bond. We'll take the booms of news that we were expecting but not wanting.. We'll take it. And we'll continue our path togther.. the same but different.. adding to the circle and continuing on.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Clarification for clarification's sake
A cell phone, as defined by me, is a small portable device capable of communicating with others via radio wave (huge guess) technology.
The word portable means it is able to be carried with you.
The word capable meaning "able to".
The word communicating.. well it means conversing and sharing and determining if you are flat off your rocker to go off the grid on me.
It is a non wired device. It can be answered in the bathroom or the movie theater.
It is used to return calls and texts.
It is NOT used as a paper weight unless you dont charge it.
If you do not charge it with an electrical means it will die. If it dies your voicemail picks up on the first ring. If it rings 4-5 times the device is charged and you are simply not answering.
When you are hundreds of miles away and someone calls you it means they are trying.
When you do not answer it means you are not trying.
This is a picture of me done trying to be nice. Because hundreds of miles makes it difficult for me to reach out and pinch the inner part of your thigh where it hurts the most.
The word portable means it is able to be carried with you.
The word capable meaning "able to".
The word communicating.. well it means conversing and sharing and determining if you are flat off your rocker to go off the grid on me.
It is a non wired device. It can be answered in the bathroom or the movie theater.
It is used to return calls and texts.
It is NOT used as a paper weight unless you dont charge it.
If you do not charge it with an electrical means it will die. If it dies your voicemail picks up on the first ring. If it rings 4-5 times the device is charged and you are simply not answering.
When you are hundreds of miles away and someone calls you it means they are trying.
When you do not answer it means you are not trying.
This is a picture of me done trying to be nice. Because hundreds of miles makes it difficult for me to reach out and pinch the inner part of your thigh where it hurts the most.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Heavy
When you walk outside now it's like a warm wet blanket has been wrapped around your face and you're force d to breathe through it.
I recall, distinctly, how silky the air is when the humidity is low. I relish the idea that one day that feeling will return to me.. I also ponder how long it will take.
It's like living in the middle of a big warm spa ... that you cannot escape.
In addition to the heaviness of the air.. our lives have taken a bit of a heavy weight as well. Somber posts from me are generally reserved for bad bad things..and i wasnt ready to talk about my worries and be the one who ended up wrong. I had faith.. I know I had hope.. I still do. But sometimes God's answer to prayers is "no" .. .and that's what it was this time.
My younger cousin and his wife lost a pregnancy. Early. But still.
His sister is also pregnant. I can't, for sure, say that I am thinking this is a good thing for her, for us, for the child. I understand her deep desire to have a child.. I am never one to miss the spark in someone else's eye..
I received a phone call from a ghost recently. someone who'd dropped off the face of the earth ... and he knew he'd displeased me.. and I knew it wasn't worth the battle anymore.. I looked forward to our friendship when I returned here.. and it didnt come to pass.. and as I relished the opportunity to flay him alive. . . I didn't.
He's alive. Well. Married.. or Remarried.. Whatever.
The next morning my mother asked me who I had been talking to. She made the comment that I am not as animated as I used to be these days. I suppose I am working through something.. and for a second while talking to Kris I was reminded of that girl from last summer who sat on the side of a perfect stranger.. and walked away an hour and a half later with a friend. Before being wrapped in a bubble.. before deciding it was time to come home.. before I wanted to lay down and die.
That girl ran her mouth. She was brassy and ballsy and .. yeah.
This girl is content with her choices. She listens a lil more and tries to temper her outrageous mouth in respect to her new surroundings of people who only know her as an adult.. who bakes. Not the silly, cleavage flashing, loud, constant turmoil girl.
But me. Me now. Same but different.
I suppose no matter how heavy the air is.. we carry pieces of our good and bad parts to temper the silly parts.. and these days that equates to a Nikki less animated.
I recall, distinctly, how silky the air is when the humidity is low. I relish the idea that one day that feeling will return to me.. I also ponder how long it will take.
It's like living in the middle of a big warm spa ... that you cannot escape.
In addition to the heaviness of the air.. our lives have taken a bit of a heavy weight as well. Somber posts from me are generally reserved for bad bad things..and i wasnt ready to talk about my worries and be the one who ended up wrong. I had faith.. I know I had hope.. I still do. But sometimes God's answer to prayers is "no" .. .and that's what it was this time.
My younger cousin and his wife lost a pregnancy. Early. But still.
His sister is also pregnant. I can't, for sure, say that I am thinking this is a good thing for her, for us, for the child. I understand her deep desire to have a child.. I am never one to miss the spark in someone else's eye..
I received a phone call from a ghost recently. someone who'd dropped off the face of the earth ... and he knew he'd displeased me.. and I knew it wasn't worth the battle anymore.. I looked forward to our friendship when I returned here.. and it didnt come to pass.. and as I relished the opportunity to flay him alive. . . I didn't.
He's alive. Well. Married.. or Remarried.. Whatever.
The next morning my mother asked me who I had been talking to. She made the comment that I am not as animated as I used to be these days. I suppose I am working through something.. and for a second while talking to Kris I was reminded of that girl from last summer who sat on the side of a perfect stranger.. and walked away an hour and a half later with a friend. Before being wrapped in a bubble.. before deciding it was time to come home.. before I wanted to lay down and die.
That girl ran her mouth. She was brassy and ballsy and .. yeah.
This girl is content with her choices. She listens a lil more and tries to temper her outrageous mouth in respect to her new surroundings of people who only know her as an adult.. who bakes. Not the silly, cleavage flashing, loud, constant turmoil girl.
But me. Me now. Same but different.
I suppose no matter how heavy the air is.. we carry pieces of our good and bad parts to temper the silly parts.. and these days that equates to a Nikki less animated.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I believe
I believe in good things.
I believe in bad things.
I believe in skirt days and dress days and days that are total wastes of makeup.
I believe in human angels coming along at just the right moment.
I believe in falling stars being signs from passed on loved ones.
I believe my niece and nephew can make almost anything wrong right.
I believe that when all is wrong in the world sometimes you just have to go "home".
I believe that home is where your heart is.
I believe that baby's laughter is a cure-all.
I believe that sometimes that cold breeze on a hot day happens as a sign that you shouldn't give up.
I believe in the power of chocolate.
I believe that love is possible.. even after all that's happened.
I believe you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.
I believe I am home.
I also believe in karma.
And Karma is having a laugh at me.
This time it isn't me looking to move on.
It isnt me asking for understanding and it isnt me who's worrying about the how's and when's.
the shoe is on the other foot this time.
I understand that you must follow the work til you make yourself a spot, a place, a home of your own making.. either personal or professional.
I believe that patience is a virtue of which I do not practice.
Yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I find myself sitting at a CC's coffee house waiting for a new friend.. who has, yes, been in my world.. but is still new enough to be considered an innocent.. at least in my ways.
I believe in what goes around comes around..and this time it's my turn to be understanding, to offer comfort and support.
I just hope I handle the "end" better than what was offered to me.
Perhaps that was the lesson all along.. that the "end" doesnt require yet another wall. That while I harden my heart as a response to other's failings of me and my feelings I shouldnt block myself off or punish others.
I believe I can do a better job of this with positions reversed.
More than anything, I find myself believing in someone who doesn't think me mean or heartless. Who sees and understands.. who appreciates yet doesn't crowd.. who admits his interest clearly and can communicate his frustrations at my lackings.
I believe just when you're ready to jump ... someone offers you a hand.
And who am I to ignore a hand?
I believe in bad things.
I believe in skirt days and dress days and days that are total wastes of makeup.
I believe in human angels coming along at just the right moment.
I believe in falling stars being signs from passed on loved ones.
I believe my niece and nephew can make almost anything wrong right.
I believe that when all is wrong in the world sometimes you just have to go "home".
I believe that home is where your heart is.
I believe that baby's laughter is a cure-all.
I believe that sometimes that cold breeze on a hot day happens as a sign that you shouldn't give up.
I believe in the power of chocolate.
I believe that love is possible.. even after all that's happened.
I believe you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.
I believe I am home.
I also believe in karma.
And Karma is having a laugh at me.
This time it isn't me looking to move on.
It isnt me asking for understanding and it isnt me who's worrying about the how's and when's.
the shoe is on the other foot this time.
I understand that you must follow the work til you make yourself a spot, a place, a home of your own making.. either personal or professional.
I believe that patience is a virtue of which I do not practice.
Yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I find myself sitting at a CC's coffee house waiting for a new friend.. who has, yes, been in my world.. but is still new enough to be considered an innocent.. at least in my ways.
I believe in what goes around comes around..and this time it's my turn to be understanding, to offer comfort and support.
I just hope I handle the "end" better than what was offered to me.
Perhaps that was the lesson all along.. that the "end" doesnt require yet another wall. That while I harden my heart as a response to other's failings of me and my feelings I shouldnt block myself off or punish others.
I believe I can do a better job of this with positions reversed.
More than anything, I find myself believing in someone who doesn't think me mean or heartless. Who sees and understands.. who appreciates yet doesn't crowd.. who admits his interest clearly and can communicate his frustrations at my lackings.
I believe just when you're ready to jump ... someone offers you a hand.
And who am I to ignore a hand?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
And so it goes
Birthdays come.
Anniversarys pass.
First dates happen.
Followed sometimes (hopefully) by first kisses.
The mailman passes.
The sun sets.
The moon rises.
Sometimes there are good things.
Sometimes there are bad things.
There are bad days. Horrid days. Days that you dread ever having happen again.
Sometimes there are wonderful days filled with joy when everything sparkles and takes on a golden tone. We make every effort to not take them for granted.. when we remember to.
Those days end too.
Sometimes you go to bed just to dread getting up to do it again.
Then there are the nights where you can barely lay in one spot for all the wiggling from without and within. The jump of anticipation.. the twitch of what if..
There are great announcements followed by drama tinged secondary announcements.
Peace on earth reigns and wanes (waning now as we speak).
Flowers bloom
Birds sing.
Coffee perks.
And there he is again.. just as if he'd never left. Without reason or rhyme or explanation.
And you think you imagined it.. but you know you didnt.
The one thing you've made very sure thus far is this: you are not crazy.
Twisted.. for sure. Crazy.. we wouldn't be lucky enough to rate the title of crazy.
So you focus on the good. The circle of life continuing. The joy of what was supposed to be difficult. The miracle of life. The beauty of those who do things right.. in the right order.
I never was one to follow someone else's idea of order. Or Right. Or Proper.
Twisted? Remember? But I can honor what is good. Right. True.
I pray for safety.
I pray for peace.
I pray for comfort and calm.
I pray for harmony.
And if all else fails?
I pray for hope.
As long as there is a star in the sky.. there is hope.
Anniversarys pass.
First dates happen.
Followed sometimes (hopefully) by first kisses.
The mailman passes.
The sun sets.
The moon rises.
Sometimes there are good things.
Sometimes there are bad things.
There are bad days. Horrid days. Days that you dread ever having happen again.
Sometimes there are wonderful days filled with joy when everything sparkles and takes on a golden tone. We make every effort to not take them for granted.. when we remember to.
Those days end too.
Sometimes you go to bed just to dread getting up to do it again.
Then there are the nights where you can barely lay in one spot for all the wiggling from without and within. The jump of anticipation.. the twitch of what if..
There are great announcements followed by drama tinged secondary announcements.
Peace on earth reigns and wanes (waning now as we speak).
Flowers bloom
Birds sing.
Coffee perks.
And there he is again.. just as if he'd never left. Without reason or rhyme or explanation.
And you think you imagined it.. but you know you didnt.
The one thing you've made very sure thus far is this: you are not crazy.
Twisted.. for sure. Crazy.. we wouldn't be lucky enough to rate the title of crazy.
So you focus on the good. The circle of life continuing. The joy of what was supposed to be difficult. The miracle of life. The beauty of those who do things right.. in the right order.
I never was one to follow someone else's idea of order. Or Right. Or Proper.
Twisted? Remember? But I can honor what is good. Right. True.
I pray for safety.
I pray for peace.
I pray for comfort and calm.
I pray for harmony.
And if all else fails?
I pray for hope.
As long as there is a star in the sky.. there is hope.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Life lines
Every single time I think I have a grasp on who I am and where I am and who I want to be and what I am doing to get there.. I find myself grasping.. gasping.. barely breathing.
I am still on "notice" and 24 hour call to report to a different location.. Chances are this call will happen at the worst possible moment for me.. for the company.. for my world.
I've spent about 8 months and countless hours promoting and participating on a project that involves some of my favorite people. I've been cheerful and helpful and someone .. somewhere else.. has decided that it's not worth it.
Worth what? We, as an organization, have not been asked for a dime. Other than my blood, sweat, and tears.. it's free. Last I checked if someone else was willing to pay for the party you go along and let the party happen. This isn't a druggy boozie party.. it's a helpful might be worth someone's time and effort party.
And as I sat here trying to not cry I realized I might as well not even gear myself up for the fight even I expect of myself.
Railing at the walls wont work. These people have decided without regard and my opinion doesn't rate.
Funny how my personal life and professional life mirror each other.
You **would** think I'd be used to casual disregard at this point, huh?
If I were a different person I'd be lit up on a barstool right this minute. Hell if I am honest I wouldn't have crawled home since Friday.
I had to apologize last nite. Someone has been nice to me lately. Open, interested, interesting. And I know I closed him off.. starting Friday I put up some walls real quick that are quite tall and strong if I do say so myself.. worth of brick throwing and head banging.. (no one ever said I was a slow learner) and it isn't fair. So late last nite I picked up the phone (**oh, the horrors**) and attempted to explain in stilted Nikki code that I've been disappointed... and due to that... to this... I might be quick to say no.. or shut down and that he and *this* dont deserve it. Beginnings are supposed to be light and easy and full of potential. Shame on me for not enjoying the potential.. the possibility.
Today is Nita's birthday. Angels have birthdays right? Hissy was over the other nite and was playing with a bracelet.. funny we dont talk about her anymore.
So here we are. Feeling rather fatalistic and slightly morbid... but we'll pray it's just a phase. We know what to do when we fall.. I'm just dwelling for a moment... Dusting off is up next.. promise.
I am still on "notice" and 24 hour call to report to a different location.. Chances are this call will happen at the worst possible moment for me.. for the company.. for my world.
I've spent about 8 months and countless hours promoting and participating on a project that involves some of my favorite people. I've been cheerful and helpful and someone .. somewhere else.. has decided that it's not worth it.
Worth what? We, as an organization, have not been asked for a dime. Other than my blood, sweat, and tears.. it's free. Last I checked if someone else was willing to pay for the party you go along and let the party happen. This isn't a druggy boozie party.. it's a helpful might be worth someone's time and effort party.
And as I sat here trying to not cry I realized I might as well not even gear myself up for the fight even I expect of myself.
Railing at the walls wont work. These people have decided without regard and my opinion doesn't rate.
Funny how my personal life and professional life mirror each other.
You **would** think I'd be used to casual disregard at this point, huh?
If I were a different person I'd be lit up on a barstool right this minute. Hell if I am honest I wouldn't have crawled home since Friday.
I had to apologize last nite. Someone has been nice to me lately. Open, interested, interesting. And I know I closed him off.. starting Friday I put up some walls real quick that are quite tall and strong if I do say so myself.. worth of brick throwing and head banging.. (no one ever said I was a slow learner) and it isn't fair. So late last nite I picked up the phone (**oh, the horrors**) and attempted to explain in stilted Nikki code that I've been disappointed... and due to that... to this... I might be quick to say no.. or shut down and that he and *this* dont deserve it. Beginnings are supposed to be light and easy and full of potential. Shame on me for not enjoying the potential.. the possibility.
Today is Nita's birthday. Angels have birthdays right? Hissy was over the other nite and was playing with a bracelet.. funny we dont talk about her anymore.
So here we are. Feeling rather fatalistic and slightly morbid... but we'll pray it's just a phase. We know what to do when we fall.. I'm just dwelling for a moment... Dusting off is up next.. promise.
Friday, May 15, 2009
All EYES on me
I once was in a corporate training class where the staff manager over a particular group was in charge of the training.. she had an unassuming air.. as in she would NEVER assume she was less than the ultimate of interesting.
IF she caught you staring off into space.. or wandering about the internet.. or looking at your cell phone or tryin to read a book under the guise of looking down.. she'd say (loudly)
"ALL EYES ON ME!"
So.. yeah.
I've been here a while.. I'm from here tho I haven't lived here as an adult.. in about ten years or so.. and I rarely assume anyone knows me.
I got very spoiled to wandering about Atlanta invarious forms of undress/unmakeup. I thought nothing of venturing out in workout clothes, pig tails, makeup or no, glasses or contacts... what the hell was I worried about.. no ONE knew me?
Rarely was I recognized.. unlike in New Orleans when I'd have strangers instant message me on AOL or Yahoo and tell me they'd seen me out on a date.. or sitting outside the building with a friend on a smoke break..
So.. yes.. Atlanta and its big city no one knows muchless cares about the fluffy girl with cleavage spoiled me. I liked it. It enabled me to relax from the days that I woke up and put make up on ... right away.
A few weeks ago one of the guys in the office said he saw me at Walmart.. I remember hte day.. I was in a rush and not feeling well and particularly ugly that day.. makeup didnt set.. hair didnt do.. and my general outlook on the world was not nice..
He didn't say hello and was later apologizing for not seeking me out..
um.
Ok. I need to think about this.
I assume no one knows me ... I assume no one is payin attention. I venture about here as if I am unaware of those around me.. mostly because.. I AM. If we were in Abbeville or Erath I'd pay attention.. I am also (sadly) accepting of the fact that I live here now and will have to stop seeing "through" those I dont wish to make nice.. and start... makin nice. Sucks. Hurts. Bites. Hate it.
So today at lunch when I felt like a few people kept looking at me I tried to tell myself I was stupid. I normally people watch.. its a bad habit that is a major guilty pleasure of mine.. like trashy romance novels I try to limit my intake.. it appears rude and well.. unless you're at a casino or on Bourbon St it's disconcerting.
Then this old man stops me. I say old man.. he wouldnt be in the age range I'd choose to date. Hell. He might not be in the age range that Anna Nicole Smith would date.. and he LOOKS like he has a question... and I was raised right and am in a semi good mood.. so I (admittedly) smiled and made eye contact..
At which point he wondered if ANYONE had ever told me I was beautiful?
No. No one. Ever. And stop sounding so incredulous. I know it's a bad hair day.. and I still chose to not wear a paperbag.
I don't think he meant it as a compliment.
I am sure my face reacted for me.
I need to remember every now and then the eyes do end up on you.. even when you're the one doin the people watching.
And I might should avoid eye contact from now on, huh?
IF she caught you staring off into space.. or wandering about the internet.. or looking at your cell phone or tryin to read a book under the guise of looking down.. she'd say (loudly)
"ALL EYES ON ME!"
So.. yeah.
I've been here a while.. I'm from here tho I haven't lived here as an adult.. in about ten years or so.. and I rarely assume anyone knows me.
I got very spoiled to wandering about Atlanta invarious forms of undress/unmakeup. I thought nothing of venturing out in workout clothes, pig tails, makeup or no, glasses or contacts... what the hell was I worried about.. no ONE knew me?
Rarely was I recognized.. unlike in New Orleans when I'd have strangers instant message me on AOL or Yahoo and tell me they'd seen me out on a date.. or sitting outside the building with a friend on a smoke break..
So.. yes.. Atlanta and its big city no one knows muchless cares about the fluffy girl with cleavage spoiled me. I liked it. It enabled me to relax from the days that I woke up and put make up on ... right away.
A few weeks ago one of the guys in the office said he saw me at Walmart.. I remember hte day.. I was in a rush and not feeling well and particularly ugly that day.. makeup didnt set.. hair didnt do.. and my general outlook on the world was not nice..
He didn't say hello and was later apologizing for not seeking me out..
um.
Ok. I need to think about this.
I assume no one knows me ... I assume no one is payin attention. I venture about here as if I am unaware of those around me.. mostly because.. I AM. If we were in Abbeville or Erath I'd pay attention.. I am also (sadly) accepting of the fact that I live here now and will have to stop seeing "through" those I dont wish to make nice.. and start... makin nice. Sucks. Hurts. Bites. Hate it.
So today at lunch when I felt like a few people kept looking at me I tried to tell myself I was stupid. I normally people watch.. its a bad habit that is a major guilty pleasure of mine.. like trashy romance novels I try to limit my intake.. it appears rude and well.. unless you're at a casino or on Bourbon St it's disconcerting.
Then this old man stops me. I say old man.. he wouldnt be in the age range I'd choose to date. Hell. He might not be in the age range that Anna Nicole Smith would date.. and he LOOKS like he has a question... and I was raised right and am in a semi good mood.. so I (admittedly) smiled and made eye contact..
At which point he wondered if ANYONE had ever told me I was beautiful?
No. No one. Ever. And stop sounding so incredulous. I know it's a bad hair day.. and I still chose to not wear a paperbag.
I don't think he meant it as a compliment.
I am sure my face reacted for me.
I need to remember every now and then the eyes do end up on you.. even when you're the one doin the people watching.
And I might should avoid eye contact from now on, huh?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
How can I be wrong when it feels so right?
So.. I was wondering as I was owwie from yesterday while walking to the bathroom..
Does everyone do squats in the stand up tanning bed?
Then I realize.. they dont.
Prolly don't even think about it.
That made me realize..
People prolly don't look for dead bodies on the side of the road or in ditches either.
Nor do they hunt lightenin bugs or falling stars.
People .. other people.. prolly dont get teary over lady bugs, or cardinals, or even a baby's laughter.
People prolly don't call bathtime bubbles and nap time snuggles.
People.. most people .. prolly don't enjoy lines and sitting in traffic or even reading instruction booklets of anything and everything they buy.
But I think we've prolly established that I am unlike anyone else out there.
But seriously.. you're stuck in the stand up bed and it's hot and the radio's broken and you forgot your zunie.. what else is there to do but squats.. or plies.
Does everyone do squats in the stand up tanning bed?
Then I realize.. they dont.
Prolly don't even think about it.
That made me realize..
People prolly don't look for dead bodies on the side of the road or in ditches either.
Nor do they hunt lightenin bugs or falling stars.
People .. other people.. prolly dont get teary over lady bugs, or cardinals, or even a baby's laughter.
People prolly don't call bathtime bubbles and nap time snuggles.
People.. most people .. prolly don't enjoy lines and sitting in traffic or even reading instruction booklets of anything and everything they buy.
But I think we've prolly established that I am unlike anyone else out there.
But seriously.. you're stuck in the stand up bed and it's hot and the radio's broken and you forgot your zunie.. what else is there to do but squats.. or plies.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tell me a story..
It's been a wild and crazy ride hasn't it?
I mean.. if you keep up.. or even jus stroke tally.. I'm on a mission and not quite sure where it's takin us..
So.. in honor of the fact that I've faced more than one of my fears lately..
E came over on Saturday and told me his mom was takin Snowball to Mass.. and while he brought us outside to see if I still knew how to work a pit (I do, but we always deny knowledge in case it stops a man from feelin.. like.. manly) ..
And walking back into the house a ladybug lands on me.
And while my heart kinda stopped a second and a part of my soul smiled and reached for my cell phone.. the rest of me remembered this.
A long time ago there were two little girls. One was mine and one was firmly determined to not be with us ... especially at bed time..
And me being me.. I created all sorts of games and things to avoid said tears and sneaking to the livin room to call her momma and daddy..
There were tickle fights, alphabet games, sammichs, and bedtime stories.
The rules were simple.. I started and we all took a turn.
"Once upon a time there was a queen with two little princesses.. one was as fair as the other was dark.."
And depending on who had managed to earn my wrath in the day/night/weekend... someone's head would roll.
Sometimes that someone's head would roll over and over again.Sometimes said person was cast into the role as troll..Sometimes a fair prince.. sometimes an honorary uncle..
Over the years the sleepovers have ceased.
Over the years we've lost track of our troll.
We've had a major turnover in the cast of our fairytale.
And then.. just as we think that we've seen the last of the old cast of characters..
enter stage left a troll from years and years ago.
He once had a part near and dear to the region that housed my heart.
And he wasn't ugly nor was he rude... And it was like all those times I thought about being home again.. except you know.. for the part that I'm already home and entirely a different person than he used to torture.
And standin there in my supposed wig and my apple green dress.. I flashed for a second to the ladybug landing on my arm.. and the long ago conversation that ladybugs bite.. he knew.. and this one does too. And I am reminded of the quick tempered, sharp tongued girl of the past. Who was as quick to anger as she was to forgive.. She made some mistakes.. she changed her path.. she made her choices even when people said she'd be sorry. And there she is standing in front of the church facin her past with her currents firmly alongside of her. -- and right about then her princesses walked up.. one just as fair as the other was dark.. and joined me.
and there we are. . . together again.
For no other reason than the ending of the story I am glad to have been able to be polite. And he was kind and it was peaceful. And that my friends is the moral of the story.. when you can go home and face your demons and end up at the end of the nite in the midst of your family with a smile on your face (belly dancing or no belly dancin) you know that you're in the right spot.. you're in the right place.. you're on the right path. You knew it all along.. you jus needed to be reminded of the old you and why she had to go where she did to become this person you know so well.
And they will all live happily ever after.. Just as soon as I finish writing the script.
I mean.. if you keep up.. or even jus stroke tally.. I'm on a mission and not quite sure where it's takin us..
So.. in honor of the fact that I've faced more than one of my fears lately..
E came over on Saturday and told me his mom was takin Snowball to Mass.. and while he brought us outside to see if I still knew how to work a pit (I do, but we always deny knowledge in case it stops a man from feelin.. like.. manly) ..
And walking back into the house a ladybug lands on me.
And while my heart kinda stopped a second and a part of my soul smiled and reached for my cell phone.. the rest of me remembered this.
A long time ago there were two little girls. One was mine and one was firmly determined to not be with us ... especially at bed time..
And me being me.. I created all sorts of games and things to avoid said tears and sneaking to the livin room to call her momma and daddy..
There were tickle fights, alphabet games, sammichs, and bedtime stories.
The rules were simple.. I started and we all took a turn.
"Once upon a time there was a queen with two little princesses.. one was as fair as the other was dark.."
And depending on who had managed to earn my wrath in the day/night/weekend... someone's head would roll.
Sometimes that someone's head would roll over and over again.Sometimes said person was cast into the role as troll..Sometimes a fair prince.. sometimes an honorary uncle..
Over the years the sleepovers have ceased.
Over the years we've lost track of our troll.
We've had a major turnover in the cast of our fairytale.
And then.. just as we think that we've seen the last of the old cast of characters..
enter stage left a troll from years and years ago.
He once had a part near and dear to the region that housed my heart.
And he wasn't ugly nor was he rude... And it was like all those times I thought about being home again.. except you know.. for the part that I'm already home and entirely a different person than he used to torture.
And standin there in my supposed wig and my apple green dress.. I flashed for a second to the ladybug landing on my arm.. and the long ago conversation that ladybugs bite.. he knew.. and this one does too. And I am reminded of the quick tempered, sharp tongued girl of the past. Who was as quick to anger as she was to forgive.. She made some mistakes.. she changed her path.. she made her choices even when people said she'd be sorry. And there she is standing in front of the church facin her past with her currents firmly alongside of her. -- and right about then her princesses walked up.. one just as fair as the other was dark.. and joined me.
and there we are. . . together again.
For no other reason than the ending of the story I am glad to have been able to be polite. And he was kind and it was peaceful. And that my friends is the moral of the story.. when you can go home and face your demons and end up at the end of the nite in the midst of your family with a smile on your face (belly dancing or no belly dancin) you know that you're in the right spot.. you're in the right place.. you're on the right path. You knew it all along.. you jus needed to be reminded of the old you and why she had to go where she did to become this person you know so well.
And they will all live happily ever after.. Just as soon as I finish writing the script.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Sitting on hold is never good
So I am sitting on hold with Wireless to discuss my cell phone attempting to operate itself.. it's an exchange and not really a good sign that within three weeks this piece of technology no longer needs me.. who does it think it is? My last non boyfriend?
So in sittin through a new training course, a call about how diverse we want to be, and a semi announcement from my director that publishin is comin my way I was talking with one of my office mates about my life.
I don't know about you.. and I am sure there is a blog or seven in me about why I like to bake.. I think there is something very soothing to the process of baking.. it's a precise science ... in my eyes.. cooking is creating.. baking is science. You must be exact when you're baking a cake.. cupcake cookies are forgiving but not everything is as loose and carefree..
Anyway.. in talking and sitting here on hold I started thinking how much I miss cooking with someone.
Scott.. the chef.. was prolly the worst about sharing cooking.. he was wonderful about creating for me but I was to sit and sip and not actually participate.. I like participation.
Lane .. was better about sharing but it was more of a " I'll cook this you cook that" thing.. but he was fair about givin over recipes and we almost miss him some days and dont really understand what the disconnect was but arent that interested so as to track him down and force him to explain.
And .. yeah. that's it.
I've got people to cook and bake for these days. I have plans and potential for the future. I know it's coming..
There are times I think .. gee I miss this or that.. then I realize it isnt the 'what' but the 'who'.. This time.. I think it's the what. The act of cooking together and visiting while doing the stupid chores and clean up as you go (ok fine..someone to pick up my mess) and then sitting together and eating or drinking or laughing and talking.. nothing is simple these days.
So for now I'll appreciate my baking parnters.. even if they do tend to eat the sprinkles.. and I'll wait for the next course to come up I suppose.
I found a great recipe to try this weekend if I actually cook.. if it turns out well it'll be good to share. .cant wait.
Much love..
So in sittin through a new training course, a call about how diverse we want to be, and a semi announcement from my director that publishin is comin my way I was talking with one of my office mates about my life.
I don't know about you.. and I am sure there is a blog or seven in me about why I like to bake.. I think there is something very soothing to the process of baking.. it's a precise science ... in my eyes.. cooking is creating.. baking is science. You must be exact when you're baking a cake.. cupcake cookies are forgiving but not everything is as loose and carefree..
Anyway.. in talking and sitting here on hold I started thinking how much I miss cooking with someone.
Scott.. the chef.. was prolly the worst about sharing cooking.. he was wonderful about creating for me but I was to sit and sip and not actually participate.. I like participation.
Lane .. was better about sharing but it was more of a " I'll cook this you cook that" thing.. but he was fair about givin over recipes and we almost miss him some days and dont really understand what the disconnect was but arent that interested so as to track him down and force him to explain.
And .. yeah. that's it.
I've got people to cook and bake for these days. I have plans and potential for the future. I know it's coming..
There are times I think .. gee I miss this or that.. then I realize it isnt the 'what' but the 'who'.. This time.. I think it's the what. The act of cooking together and visiting while doing the stupid chores and clean up as you go (ok fine..someone to pick up my mess) and then sitting together and eating or drinking or laughing and talking.. nothing is simple these days.
So for now I'll appreciate my baking parnters.. even if they do tend to eat the sprinkles.. and I'll wait for the next course to come up I suppose.
I found a great recipe to try this weekend if I actually cook.. if it turns out well it'll be good to share. .cant wait.
Much love..
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Social Experiments
I should be doing training but my head hurts so badly I can barely see.. My eyes are twitching and I am almost sure that if I shake it even slightly my brain will explode and ooze goo all over.
That bad.
So instead of tryin to figure out where I went wrong in the set up of my profile to publish documents for the 2094234 time I will instead write.
I don't know how well you know me. .I dont much care. Not much lately is above the eh level anyway.. when you rescript your dream the stupid little shit kinda falls to the wayside.
Several years ago... I was young. Very young. And somehow, in the effort to do what I thought was helping a family member I took over care of her child.
Zanie was roughly 4 when I first took her. I am sure when I first decided that this would be a good idea some adult (namely momma) told me it wasnt a good idea.
I don't know that it was. I dont know that it wasnt.
I do know that we could have called it project Birth Control.
I do know it was also proof that young women shouldnt be considered responsible parents. I was mature and sure as hell not ready in the slightest.
See.. being responsible for the care and feeding of a child who couldnt express what she wanted (eggs like her momma made .. namely a boiled egg sliced by an egg slicer) and getting said child cute to go wherever.. was reason enough for me to NOT try to have a child on my own. I found out quickly the child was the cute one and I was the haggard, waspish one. I found out that I didn't rate when she had a need or a want. Or I needed or wanted quiet.
We had some simple rules.. I figured if I set expectations she'd end up a well rounded nice girl.
All I can say at this point is I handed over care and feeding of her after the storms when I realized her mother should be the important, primary figure in her life. .
But she shaped me. She molded me. She had a hand in the Nikki you know.
Rule one and the main rule was if you behave you get to go good, fun places. If you embarras me I will embarrass you more and you will never ever see fun or good again.
This rule worked. It has worked on Buster. I figure if you socialize children early and tell them what horrors will befall them you will end up with a well behaved child in public.
I didn't often say no.. but my pocket book wasnt unlimited.. I had a great amount of help in my life.. but we couldnt go whole hog all the time.. in the same effort she rarely heard no. Mostly because if I brought it up I could either afford it or had figured what would NOT happen if we did x, y, or z.
I think this is where I failed. Never did we talk about responsibilty. Never did we talk about poor choices.
Talks about drug use and drinking and smoking were lectured on for hours. Talks about boys and what was acceptable and not.. years.. some of it sunk in.
Oddly enough while doing her makeup the other nite it was " young girls shouldnt wear mascara on their lower lashes"
Where was the honor thyself and remember that boys will always always always come and go?
I thought I'd end up with this responsible, bright, well read, interested and most importantly interesting girl.
I can't say she's "done" or that she's finished.. I can say I stepped away quietly a few years ago.
I hope she comes into a few things on her own.. or by observation.
The one thing I am most thankful of my recent grown spurt is my gratitude of the most simple things.
I hope I remmeber to thank the people who join me.
To appreciate what others do for me.
To not take stuff or life for granted.
To say please. To say thank you. To say I love you.
As I remind Buster: manners!
So the social experiments? In my eyes.. fail. Zanie is an ok kid.. but still needing loads more guidance that I am, due to outside and inside circumstances, unable to provide. I don't think I realized I'd be blamed for everything thats "wrong" with her. I don't think I realized at the time that there was anything wrong with my intent or purpose.
I just wanted a happy. smart. sweet kid.
And who knows.. maybe a switch will flip at 18.
I miss when I ruled the world, set tentative schedules, and ruled with an iron fist. I miss when my disapproval equalled a different behavior because she knew her world would be rocked if something didnt give. I miss the little girl who would talk and question EVERYTHING.
If I had it to do again.. from this standpoint, I'd do almost all of it the same.. but I'd prolly put a lil more investment in the doing the right thing.. for the right reason.. more of the family matters.. yet I know.. I KNOW I did that. I know I know I know I did. So maybe I'd do it all differently.. and maybe, just maybe that failure is reason to not do it again at all.
I'm still holding out hope that my teenage mind wasn't all that off. I'd settle for an effort of appreciation. one day she'll know it matters.. people matter. this matters.
That bad.
So instead of tryin to figure out where I went wrong in the set up of my profile to publish documents for the 2094234 time I will instead write.
I don't know how well you know me. .I dont much care. Not much lately is above the eh level anyway.. when you rescript your dream the stupid little shit kinda falls to the wayside.
Several years ago... I was young. Very young. And somehow, in the effort to do what I thought was helping a family member I took over care of her child.
Zanie was roughly 4 when I first took her. I am sure when I first decided that this would be a good idea some adult (namely momma) told me it wasnt a good idea.
I don't know that it was. I dont know that it wasnt.
I do know that we could have called it project Birth Control.
I do know it was also proof that young women shouldnt be considered responsible parents. I was mature and sure as hell not ready in the slightest.
See.. being responsible for the care and feeding of a child who couldnt express what she wanted (eggs like her momma made .. namely a boiled egg sliced by an egg slicer) and getting said child cute to go wherever.. was reason enough for me to NOT try to have a child on my own. I found out quickly the child was the cute one and I was the haggard, waspish one. I found out that I didn't rate when she had a need or a want. Or I needed or wanted quiet.
We had some simple rules.. I figured if I set expectations she'd end up a well rounded nice girl.
All I can say at this point is I handed over care and feeding of her after the storms when I realized her mother should be the important, primary figure in her life. .
But she shaped me. She molded me. She had a hand in the Nikki you know.
Rule one and the main rule was if you behave you get to go good, fun places. If you embarras me I will embarrass you more and you will never ever see fun or good again.
This rule worked. It has worked on Buster. I figure if you socialize children early and tell them what horrors will befall them you will end up with a well behaved child in public.
I didn't often say no.. but my pocket book wasnt unlimited.. I had a great amount of help in my life.. but we couldnt go whole hog all the time.. in the same effort she rarely heard no. Mostly because if I brought it up I could either afford it or had figured what would NOT happen if we did x, y, or z.
I think this is where I failed. Never did we talk about responsibilty. Never did we talk about poor choices.
Talks about drug use and drinking and smoking were lectured on for hours. Talks about boys and what was acceptable and not.. years.. some of it sunk in.
Oddly enough while doing her makeup the other nite it was " young girls shouldnt wear mascara on their lower lashes"
Where was the honor thyself and remember that boys will always always always come and go?
I thought I'd end up with this responsible, bright, well read, interested and most importantly interesting girl.
I can't say she's "done" or that she's finished.. I can say I stepped away quietly a few years ago.
I hope she comes into a few things on her own.. or by observation.
The one thing I am most thankful of my recent grown spurt is my gratitude of the most simple things.
I hope I remmeber to thank the people who join me.
To appreciate what others do for me.
To not take stuff or life for granted.
To say please. To say thank you. To say I love you.
As I remind Buster: manners!
So the social experiments? In my eyes.. fail. Zanie is an ok kid.. but still needing loads more guidance that I am, due to outside and inside circumstances, unable to provide. I don't think I realized I'd be blamed for everything thats "wrong" with her. I don't think I realized at the time that there was anything wrong with my intent or purpose.
I just wanted a happy. smart. sweet kid.
And who knows.. maybe a switch will flip at 18.
I miss when I ruled the world, set tentative schedules, and ruled with an iron fist. I miss when my disapproval equalled a different behavior because she knew her world would be rocked if something didnt give. I miss the little girl who would talk and question EVERYTHING.
If I had it to do again.. from this standpoint, I'd do almost all of it the same.. but I'd prolly put a lil more investment in the doing the right thing.. for the right reason.. more of the family matters.. yet I know.. I KNOW I did that. I know I know I know I did. So maybe I'd do it all differently.. and maybe, just maybe that failure is reason to not do it again at all.
I'm still holding out hope that my teenage mind wasn't all that off. I'd settle for an effort of appreciation. one day she'll know it matters.. people matter. this matters.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
77 wonderful reasons Snowball Rocks
I could prolly compose an entire list but I will forgive myself in advance that I wont even try.
My Granny's 77th birthday was Saturday. Since I celebrate my birthday for different lengths depending on my level of energy (the longest was six weeks, the shortest was two weeks) I figure it's only proper to let her have a long weekend's celebration. She IS 77. WE are very *lucky* that she's here to celebrate with us. There is a vast sense of blessings that we should feel bestowed upon us that she was there to spoil and be entertained by.
This is my Granny. She also goes by Snowball.
It started as a rumor that there would be a brunch. That extended family would be invited.. but the lives got in the way and some of her daughters didn't realize they had plans and other people planned weddings and well.. life isn't fun if the plans aren't messed with a few or six times.
From there we (I) decided that there would be a dinner out. I gave two choices.. one was in Lafayette which would have included a drive to and from but yummy food the other was a closer drive and one of her favorite restaurants. I knew when I made the suggestions which would be the choice. Arrangements were made and I got permission to bring in a cake and the people were great about accomodating me. We all know how much I appreciate getting my own way.
Hissy and Buster and the rest of the family were all invited. Life being what it is we had about a 50% attendance. Acceptable, I suppose.
Hissy, for the first time since she's mobile, behaved beautifully. While getting ready Buster, the bestest kid in the world, searched the toychesttub for the perfect take along toys to put in the magic purse to pull out if we needed distraction.. sometimes our toys are hits.. sometimes huge misses. This time we lucked out. The kid was so good I almost forgot to have a panic attack.
You almost forget for a minute why her nickname is Hissy (and she's even startin to look up when you call her that!)
We had a nice evening with the restaurant being filled with people from our town.
Smoke break escapees without Hissy
From there we had planned a second dinner on her actual birthday after a morning of hair appointments and visits of the different people in different places.. she even drove by my house and assumed (correctly) that I was still sleeping --
side note.. when the phone rings at 818 am I decide to sleep as late as possible and thus ensues the phone and cell ringing more than its rang ever since I moved home. 4 times on the house phone and 6 on the cell not counting texts and ims. I was not amused.
That nite we had crawfish.. Stelly's in Abbeville has been providing some really nice selections and are closer than Kips when we're already home... plus Kbird and I were already in Abbe for some Wally world shoppin.
There are no pics of crawfish. Just know they were perfectly perfect.
When I returned home that nite I started to bake the birthday cake. My Gran has some particular tastes lately.. since her last stroke she's really got a sweet tooth and we've allowed her to pretty much eat anything she could possibly desire. She specifically decided this time that she doesnt like icing (recent thing I swear) and that she wanted a coconut cake.
I remember my Gram making this cake.. it's a simple yellow cake and then while it's cooling you take a can of Ancel Coconut in heavy syrup and warm it with a stick of butter on the stove and pour on top of the cake.. the juice sinks in and life is beautiful again.
I did three layers and managed for them to be beautiful and even and when I went to warm my Ancel I decided to throw in vanilla beans with the butter.. wow. It was flippin amazin.
Monday was her wedding anniversary. Poppa's been gone seven years now. We don't realize how fragile life is ... I so wish for my niece and nephew that they have the opportunity to build a relationship with their great grandmother while they can. I know that Gram was--- for the longest time -- my favorite family member. I know she's not very portable. You have to go to her.. and even if you manage to get her out she does tire easily.. but she's so appreciative of the effort and the attention.. I won't go #3's route and say she's dying.. I am just saying this:
she's here. And she's trying to relax and we need to enjoy her while we can.
She's my granny.. and sometimes she is cross.. and sometimes she curses.. and sometimes she's sad for the people that we've lost.
How can we not honor those who brought us up? Raised us. Covered for us? Stood by us? Cooked for us? Baked german chocolate cakes from scratch for us? How can we forget that she's had a great amount of loss parntered with some really bad runs of poor health?
I guess back when Poppa got sick I decided that nothing is promised and I wanted to live for no regret. And I remember what it was like to not be able to be home for a holiday or birthday and wonder what I was missing. I also remember being far away and not being able to reach home in time. I don't want to live that way.. I can't force anyone else along. But then again I wont be very patient for the pity party when it's too late.
It's all about choices my loves. Live today to not cry tomorrow.
My Granny's 77th birthday was Saturday. Since I celebrate my birthday for different lengths depending on my level of energy (the longest was six weeks, the shortest was two weeks) I figure it's only proper to let her have a long weekend's celebration. She IS 77. WE are very *lucky* that she's here to celebrate with us. There is a vast sense of blessings that we should feel bestowed upon us that she was there to spoil and be entertained by.
This is my Granny. She also goes by Snowball. It started as a rumor that there would be a brunch. That extended family would be invited.. but the lives got in the way and some of her daughters didn't realize they had plans and other people planned weddings and well.. life isn't fun if the plans aren't messed with a few or six times.
From there we (I) decided that there would be a dinner out. I gave two choices.. one was in Lafayette which would have included a drive to and from but yummy food the other was a closer drive and one of her favorite restaurants. I knew when I made the suggestions which would be the choice. Arrangements were made and I got permission to bring in a cake and the people were great about accomodating me. We all know how much I appreciate getting my own way.
Hissy and Buster and the rest of the family were all invited. Life being what it is we had about a 50% attendance. Acceptable, I suppose.
Hissy, for the first time since she's mobile, behaved beautifully. While getting ready Buster, the bestest kid in the world, searched the toychesttub for the perfect take along toys to put in the magic purse to pull out if we needed distraction.. sometimes our toys are hits.. sometimes huge misses. This time we lucked out. The kid was so good I almost forgot to have a panic attack.
You almost forget for a minute why her nickname is Hissy (and she's even startin to look up when you call her that!)
We had a nice evening with the restaurant being filled with people from our town.
Smoke break escapees without Hissy
From there we had planned a second dinner on her actual birthday after a morning of hair appointments and visits of the different people in different places.. she even drove by my house and assumed (correctly) that I was still sleeping --
side note.. when the phone rings at 818 am I decide to sleep as late as possible and thus ensues the phone and cell ringing more than its rang ever since I moved home. 4 times on the house phone and 6 on the cell not counting texts and ims. I was not amused.
That nite we had crawfish.. Stelly's in Abbeville has been providing some really nice selections and are closer than Kips when we're already home... plus Kbird and I were already in Abbe for some Wally world shoppin.
There are no pics of crawfish. Just know they were perfectly perfect.
When I returned home that nite I started to bake the birthday cake. My Gran has some particular tastes lately.. since her last stroke she's really got a sweet tooth and we've allowed her to pretty much eat anything she could possibly desire. She specifically decided this time that she doesnt like icing (recent thing I swear) and that she wanted a coconut cake.
I remember my Gram making this cake.. it's a simple yellow cake and then while it's cooling you take a can of Ancel Coconut in heavy syrup and warm it with a stick of butter on the stove and pour on top of the cake.. the juice sinks in and life is beautiful again.
I did three layers and managed for them to be beautiful and even and when I went to warm my Ancel I decided to throw in vanilla beans with the butter.. wow. It was flippin amazin.
Monday was her wedding anniversary. Poppa's been gone seven years now. We don't realize how fragile life is ... I so wish for my niece and nephew that they have the opportunity to build a relationship with their great grandmother while they can. I know that Gram was--- for the longest time -- my favorite family member. I know she's not very portable. You have to go to her.. and even if you manage to get her out she does tire easily.. but she's so appreciative of the effort and the attention.. I won't go #3's route and say she's dying.. I am just saying this:
she's here. And she's trying to relax and we need to enjoy her while we can.
She's my granny.. and sometimes she is cross.. and sometimes she curses.. and sometimes she's sad for the people that we've lost.
How can we not honor those who brought us up? Raised us. Covered for us? Stood by us? Cooked for us? Baked german chocolate cakes from scratch for us? How can we forget that she's had a great amount of loss parntered with some really bad runs of poor health?
I guess back when Poppa got sick I decided that nothing is promised and I wanted to live for no regret. And I remember what it was like to not be able to be home for a holiday or birthday and wonder what I was missing. I also remember being far away and not being able to reach home in time. I don't want to live that way.. I can't force anyone else along. But then again I wont be very patient for the pity party when it's too late.
It's all about choices my loves. Live today to not cry tomorrow.
Game Over
I'd like to run hard like I used to.. to avoid this. . . . to sparkle, giggle, laugh, drink, add to the dating roster until spreadsheets are called for and no one can keep track while I make catty comments until I forget that this matters.
I'd like to remind you that my motto is 'fake it til I make it' while making you gasp at the off-the wall, cannot-be-the-way-she-really-thinks/feels comments that could so drip from my tongue like caustic honey.
I'd like to make myself believe that it doesn't matter and it will go away and everything will be sparklie dandy.
However.. somewhere along the last oh.. four years I've managed to acquire an internal aura practicalness that has apparently worn away the patina of "this doesnt matter and I don't care".
It matters.
It counts.
I care.
Somewhere after a 4 or so year recap of my dating adventures Sunday night I was reminded (again) that I am on this continuous loop. This waiting for the next big thing. I knew what it is. I knew who it is. I knew where my mind is. I knew where my leanings have led. I get it. I've ignored it. I've tried to wait myself out. I've played the waiting game and had a decent time and managed to meet some interesting individuals while waiting this out.
Like when you diet and you want chocolate. Or chocolate carmel brownies. Or chocolate scout cake. Or chocolate mocha cake. And you know you shouldnt.. so you do what alllllllllll the professionals say to do. You drink a glass of water. You eat an apple. You find a 100 calorie snack pack of some chemical crap and try to fool yourself.. except.. you want chocolate.
I want what I want until I'm done with it.
Well.. in this case.. I've wanted what I've wanted for far long enough to have gone with out it.
Time. Not time out. Time. Game over. Done. Finis. Finished. Over it.
To borrow a gamer's term.. I think it's apt to say 'Game Over'.. just without the princess at the end being rescued. Tha's a different game and this is a different story.
I've waited. Patience is not a virtue of which I practice. I am damn good at drawing a line in the sand and MAKING someone face me and my battle that I've planned out.
I'm tired.
I can no longer be understanding.
Faking it til I make it is getting old.
So is waiting.
I admit defeat. This is one thing I cannot force. I cannot... I am completely unable to make this come to a head.
All I know is my head hurts from banging it on walls that others have built up. I've used up every bit of the patience I have inside of me and it's left me really tired and worn and mostly short tempered. And sad. I really thought I could wait this out ya know.. ?
I don't know that I'm ready to play the game again. The get to know you, you're so interesting, I want to be nice to you game. I don't know that I am capable of the bullshit that is called for. So it might be slow progress. Or not. But there will not be this waiting on something that *is*not*fuckin*happenin*.
What's it mean? No more planned escapes that fall flat. No more unanswered emails. No more figuring out time differences and taking a chance that someone might be there when you "ding" them. No more sending pictures and updates and pieces of me and my adventures trying to get you to join me in this world.. or any world of your choosing or our making.. asking for input and trying to be sweet when all I want to do is scream.
So.. what's left? Moving on. There's no possessions to split. There's no town to leave or state to divide. It's all mine. There's really nothing to do but stop living life on pause. Join the rest of the world and don't look back.
No more. It's not needed when you let go.
I can't say I gave it my best.. I can say that I tried as long as I could tho.
I'd like to remind you that my motto is 'fake it til I make it' while making you gasp at the off-the wall, cannot-be-the-way-she-really-thinks/feels comments that could so drip from my tongue like caustic honey.
I'd like to make myself believe that it doesn't matter and it will go away and everything will be sparklie dandy.
However.. somewhere along the last oh.. four years I've managed to acquire an internal aura practicalness that has apparently worn away the patina of "this doesnt matter and I don't care".
It matters.
It counts.
I care.
Somewhere after a 4 or so year recap of my dating adventures Sunday night I was reminded (again) that I am on this continuous loop. This waiting for the next big thing. I knew what it is. I knew who it is. I knew where my mind is. I knew where my leanings have led. I get it. I've ignored it. I've tried to wait myself out. I've played the waiting game and had a decent time and managed to meet some interesting individuals while waiting this out.
Like when you diet and you want chocolate. Or chocolate carmel brownies. Or chocolate scout cake. Or chocolate mocha cake. And you know you shouldnt.. so you do what alllllllllll the professionals say to do. You drink a glass of water. You eat an apple. You find a 100 calorie snack pack of some chemical crap and try to fool yourself.. except.. you want chocolate.
I want what I want until I'm done with it.
Well.. in this case.. I've wanted what I've wanted for far long enough to have gone with out it.
Time. Not time out. Time. Game over. Done. Finis. Finished. Over it.
To borrow a gamer's term.. I think it's apt to say 'Game Over'.. just without the princess at the end being rescued. Tha's a different game and this is a different story.
I've waited. Patience is not a virtue of which I practice. I am damn good at drawing a line in the sand and MAKING someone face me and my battle that I've planned out.
I'm tired.
I can no longer be understanding.
Faking it til I make it is getting old.
So is waiting.
I admit defeat. This is one thing I cannot force. I cannot... I am completely unable to make this come to a head.
All I know is my head hurts from banging it on walls that others have built up. I've used up every bit of the patience I have inside of me and it's left me really tired and worn and mostly short tempered. And sad. I really thought I could wait this out ya know.. ?
I don't know that I'm ready to play the game again. The get to know you, you're so interesting, I want to be nice to you game. I don't know that I am capable of the bullshit that is called for. So it might be slow progress. Or not. But there will not be this waiting on something that *is*not*fuckin*happenin*.
What's it mean? No more planned escapes that fall flat. No more unanswered emails. No more figuring out time differences and taking a chance that someone might be there when you "ding" them. No more sending pictures and updates and pieces of me and my adventures trying to get you to join me in this world.. or any world of your choosing or our making.. asking for input and trying to be sweet when all I want to do is scream.
So.. what's left? Moving on. There's no possessions to split. There's no town to leave or state to divide. It's all mine. There's really nothing to do but stop living life on pause. Join the rest of the world and don't look back.
No more. It's not needed when you let go.
I can't say I gave it my best.. I can say that I tried as long as I could tho.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I am not afraid of the yeast.
Let's see if I can get this right:
I can say it's easily understood, if not documented, I enjoy a well lived life.
I believe that it's understood, but NOT documented, that I've had some ups and downs and numerous challenges..
(the reason that I know it's not documented is because if anyone else tried to write it down it wouldn't be close to as funny as what really happened and I have it on firm faith {yes me faith} that if I did sit down and write it all down it would equate into a huge offering from some Hollywood wheeler and dealer and end with a HUGE paycheck at which point I'd immediately purchase condos in some of my favorite cities and begin my rounds of visits/escapes and have two to three family members kidnapped into white slavery.. tho I am considering other options they may enjoy better.. jus until they learned a real lesson and were sorry.. for everything. Then we'd let them come back.. and put em on a farm. Somewhere else.)
Anyway.
I think it's fair to say that while I have a horrid memory I have some wonderful memories of growing up. I have tear inducing memories of houses that no longer stand and people who are no longer with us physically. I have joy in my soul because of my angels that I know. I know that life will be ok because of faith learned from watching exactly how we came to be. I know where my anchor is. Where my glue is. Where my heart is.
Where the HELL is she goin with all of this you ask?
It began with a "job" --- the task of organizing my momma is no small task.. And if I pull it off without one of us livin in a "Home" it'll be pure miracle.. But part of the job was one that came from my heart.. I wanted her to have an organized place for all of "her" recipes.. the faithful 'go-to's' that you know will work, that you've handed down, that people ask for at every family gathering (or know better than to expect at anytime but holidays) not only for her to know where they are but also for her to be able to pass down.. not jus to me.. I've already made off with those that I am interested in anyway.. but to Libby... to Kel.. to the girls.. to Buster and Hissy when it comes time for them to leave the nest(s).
Then it was followed up by a frantic phone call from my mother when she found out I'd absconded with her recipe folder. Where folder means a bright pank (not pink) folder that she thieved from some Hello Kitty third grader.. it's that pink. THEN it was followed up with a lecture that I'd gotten them out of order.
"there was an order there? I didn't know lumped together was an order" -- nope.. she didn't slap me.
Then she promptly started tearin through the thing.. and finally answered me with what she was lookin for. An old recipe. One that wasn't there. I know. I looked.
The last angelic prompting came in the form of Mattchew, my Granny's favorite. asking on Good Friday..
All of this leads to Libby laughing at me while I (apparently screamed) chanted from the kitchen "I am not afraid of the yeast, I am not afraid of the yeast, I am not afraid of the yeast"
You see.. ever the baker I am afraid of yeast. It's alive. It's finicky. I'm afraid of killing things that don’t need killing (on the other hand.. that there man.. he needed killin I am tellin you~!)
I attempted to recover from my fear back in Atlanta when I made Cinnabon Bread for K'bert and Ale but that wasn't a good startin off recipe I later found through internet research (meaning using Google.) because it said to mix the yeast pieces/particles/beings into warm milk and the magical Google search says:
Yeast doesn't mix well into milk products you nitwit.
Pity the fool who can't access Google, huh?
Yet this recipe.. that I have found by changing the spelling of what I was looking for (PLUCKETTES .. hello, we're French/Acadian.) to PLUCK-ITs.
Duh. Not everyone is French. Cajun. Whatever. Stupid other heritages.
And so with some searching/trolling and near tears I found several things out.
1. I would have to recover from my fear of yeast.
2. I must really love my family and memory of Gram doing this to even think of trying.
3. This was gonna be involved. Messy.
oh but if it was worth it... how nice.
And we're off.. Ready?
First.. you make a Hot Roll Mix.
5 lbs all-purpose flour
1 1/4 cups sugar
4 teaspoons salt
1 cup instant nonfat dry milk powder
Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Stir together to distribute evenly. Pat in a large airtight container. Label. Store in a cool, dry place. Use within 6 to 8 months. Makes about 22 cups of Hot Roll Mix.
If you're brave you half that because Margaret would turn purple if you managed to make all of that.. and it's fun to use math skills you don’t possess. (seriously. Math isn't my strong point!)
Then you pull out the following formulation and you proceed with great trepidation and occasional shouts/screams to the livin room where your mother, goddess of all things yeast based (mostly Stollen) sits and ignores the majority of your cries.
Ingredients:
1 tb Active dry or 1; (1/4 packet)
1 1/2 c Lukewarm water; (110F)
2 beaten eggs
1/4 c Veg oil or melted butter
5 c HOT ROLL MIX; (see recipe above)
3 ts Ground cinnamon
3/4 c sugar
1/2 c Melted butter
Instructions:
Makes one large pan of rolls In a large bowl, dissolve yeast in water (I used the digital therm to figure out my water was exactly 108.4 degrees). Blend in eggs and oil or margarine. Add 5 cups of HOT ROLL MIX. Stir well. Add more HOT ROLL MIX to make a soft dough. Knead about 5 minutes, until dough is smooth. Lightly butter bowl. Put dough in bowl and turn to butter top. Cover dough with a damp towel and let rise in a warm place until doubled about 1 hr. punch down dough. Roll dough into walnut size balls. Combine cinnamon and sugar in a bowl. Dip balls into melted butter or margarine and roll in cinnamon-sugar mixture. Layer pecans amongst balls Pile loosely in an ungreased tube pan. Let rise until doubled about 30 min. Preheat oven to 400F. Bake about 10 min. Lower temperature to 350F and continue baking 30 min until golden. Loosen edges with a knife and turn out onto a plate Rolls can be plucked off one at a time.
(Posted to recipelu-digest Volume 01 Number 547 by Midian125 on Jan 17, 19)
Here's what I learned. I used about 2 sticks of butter while rolling balls and pouring what I hadn’t used over the top.. I remember distinctly Gram doing this.. Don't ask why.. but I also found out later that Granny says Gram musta used about a pound of butter.. and I used about half of that.. so next time I'd prolly pour extra butter in with the pecans and cinna sugar layers to make like a tasty caramel stickiness that my memory remembers.. But I must say.. half the butter none of the stickiness equaled a really YUMMY coffee break with half the sisters and a couple cousins on a Sunday afternoon. Matthew was happy. Granny said I can keep practicin since they were so good she'd eat the outcomes.. The people at work gobbled up what I brought them.
Life is good. Even if I don't have a screen play in negotiations.. yet.. I still need some time to research how you have someone kidnapped ... or other options.
Happy baking.. and happy memories.
~Much
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The man in the moon
So in my gathering of worlds and people and places I've neglected some of the funnier Nikki aspects of my life.
- I've not shared bath time with Layla being the best way to bond with a child that isn't such a snugglebunny.
- I've not shared baking failures -- as best as I can explain it, it was a twice baked fruit quiche with blueberrys called Clafloutis or something silly that didnt really taste that great but had a good idea behind it.
- I've avoided -- for the most part -- climbing on my ever present soapbox to talk about my family and their dramas. I have a stance. I also know I am a grandchild.. functioning as a grown adult since some of the daughters appear unable.
- I haven't shared with you entire escapades of Buster as he asks me the most amazing questions, snuggles with the best of em, and loves all of us enough that there's some left over to grow his world.
- I haven't told you of torturing said nephew with walking the entire French Quarter.. mostly because Keith and I had so I thought it was possible for an energetic 4 year old to do.. especially with his best big cousin and Tantie to help.. right?
- I've not shared the remarkable sunsets with fluffy cotton candy clouds that are perfectly pink or the glorious orange one that when I commented my mother then asked me
"are you on drugs?"
Sundays have become my own refuge in a way.. I tend to sort of disconnect from the church people and either have Hissy and Buster or one or the either.. or none. The nites that there are none after having either/or are the nicest gift I can imagine. I can resort my weekend.. absorb the lessons I've learned.. figure out that I'm on the right path.. sometimes their behavior only re-enforces the idea that I am not a mother yet for a reason... most of that would be because I am sane.
So one Sunday nite everyone had been over.. and then Buster left with Momma.. and Hissy left with Libbs... and as they drive off I think two things: If this was a nite in Atlanta I'd be on the balcony with a bottle (not glass, bottle) of wine and the candles lit.. it was that perfect quickly followed by -- I don't have to watch Sponge Bob OR the Dino movie on the DVR.. and I decide I'll watch that Robin Williams movie.. and maybe get ready for work.
Part of the country way of life is you put out your own trash. I know ... you're used to it. I'm not.
I had a short walk to a chute that I dropped anything I liked down it and magically I never had to see it again. I didn't have to go back for a barrel.. I jus traipsed down the walkway or conned one of the boys to do it for me.. Jonathan was prolly the best about throwing trash.. Lane the worst..
Anyway. I digress.
On this particular nite, I am feeling lovingly towards mankind in general and decide I'll walk the trash out to the street early.. it was a beautiful day.. breezy.. the sunset was wonderful as well. And I strolled back up to the porch and rethought the balcony idea.. only to find out *once*a*gain* I have managed to lock myself out the GD house.
Not cute. Twice? Seriously? Fk! So.. I am faced with the idea of walking (barefoot) to Granny's where I'll provide entertianment and gain enjoyment from time together -- she's so much fun now that she's loosened up about pesky visits and fingerprints.. Nah. So.. I settle in on the corner of the porch near my room.. If I sit just so I can see the trees and watch them move in the breeze.. And so I do. And in a moment of "I shoulda done this anyway" I realize:
A. I am a klutz.
B. I am horridly stupid that I've locked myself out of my own house twice now.
And I sit there.. and watch the sun go down.. and the stars come out.. and I enjoy the breeze that God knows we wont have much longer.. and I am thankful for a brief moment that it isnt a buggy nite.. And then I see the people come home from church. And I realize MY MOTHER isnt comin straight home.. nooooooo she's goin visit Hissy. Of course.
And yet.. I am ok. Thoughtful. Peaceful. Centered. One with the journey I've started.. the path I've chosen. This place I am in. Who I am with. Who I am without. Even the man in the moon eventually disappears ya know?
And when my momma gets home? She says somethin like.. I thought you'd be outside sitting.. until she realizes I was locked out *again*... Then?
Then she laughs.
No. I haven't hidden a key yet. I think those pauses we're forced to make happen for a reason. That and I don't walk outside without my keys anymore if I am home alone.Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Surrounded
Neither a big ole ranty blog nor a pictoral adventure could cover my weekend.
I found out midweek that I'd be visited by a friend from not so far away.. and hoped against hopes that it was true.. but also knew I couldn't put too much of my heart into the spirit of the idea.
Sometimes the idea and intent is there but the follow through falls short. And far too often when this happens you end up with a cranky Nikki and no one and nothing can make me feel better. Add to this that I am on a 24 hour notice of strike duty and you have me on pins and needles and not in a good way.
Happily the fates were smiling upon us. My guest was full of quiet charm and gave me just enough giggles to avoid the tense not so fun Nikki you guys have been blessed with lately.
And on Saturday nite, surrounded by some of my most loved people I had a lovely pizza adventure and a brief outing in a movie theater that was quickly ended due to the scariness and the fact that I am the eldest of a bunch of chickens. We don't need you to give us nightmares... our imaginations are enough to do that!
And sometime around midnite I found out nothing had happened in my world "delivered".. so I went to bed.
And nothing's happened since. Tho if I miss my Easter I'll be ticked.. so best let there be no announcement til after Sunday.. Hell I'm even planning on goin to church!
So.. surround yourself with love. Happiness in the weather and people and places that you love.. bake a batch of something yummy and enjoy your world.. the best is yet to come!
I found out midweek that I'd be visited by a friend from not so far away.. and hoped against hopes that it was true.. but also knew I couldn't put too much of my heart into the spirit of the idea.
Sometimes the idea and intent is there but the follow through falls short. And far too often when this happens you end up with a cranky Nikki and no one and nothing can make me feel better. Add to this that I am on a 24 hour notice of strike duty and you have me on pins and needles and not in a good way.
Happily the fates were smiling upon us. My guest was full of quiet charm and gave me just enough giggles to avoid the tense not so fun Nikki you guys have been blessed with lately.
And on Saturday nite, surrounded by some of my most loved people I had a lovely pizza adventure and a brief outing in a movie theater that was quickly ended due to the scariness and the fact that I am the eldest of a bunch of chickens. We don't need you to give us nightmares... our imaginations are enough to do that!
And sometime around midnite I found out nothing had happened in my world "delivered".. so I went to bed.
And nothing's happened since. Tho if I miss my Easter I'll be ticked.. so best let there be no announcement til after Sunday.. Hell I'm even planning on goin to church!
So.. surround yourself with love. Happiness in the weather and people and places that you love.. bake a batch of something yummy and enjoy your world.. the best is yet to come!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Amazingly simple
I don't know if you've noticed.. but I'm a mouthy bitch.
Less heavy on the bitch part lately.
But it's very simple what makes me happy: home.
These are my people. My people are important to me. No one can complain about my people except me ... punishable by death. My same people can be put to death for displeasing me but generally are allowed to remove themselves from my world til I am no longer displeased only to resurface like a giant lake monster.. where upon I forget why I was displeased in the first place.. unless you are one of the unlucky ones that did whatever so many times I blogged about putting a stop to you.
This week has been filled with some really high highs great laughs and good times and a sense of general peace. Of course.. as with all good things there are bad.. and yet.. today we will focus on the good.
I got to come home from Atlanta on Sunday before dark and managed to squeeze in time with Buster (smiling), Hissy (crying), Snowball (fun), and momma (had no phone service, no internet, no sense of humor when none of it was *really* broken!).
Monday seems filled with something.. but I don't recall..
Then Tuesday was Girl's Nite Out benefitting some booby cancer group.. I am sure they do upstanding wonderful things.. I just didnt pay much attention..
The meat of this is the who. I got to spend time with Sugar. Sugar would be Hissy's other g'ma. She rocks.
And while she rocks.. she doesn't know the power of putting people in their place.. She needs me.
Can't you tell?
What ON earth DO you do when someone asks something totally inappropriate? You respond with something SO over the top they cannot help but wonder.. "did she really just say that?"
Yes, my friends.. it's amazingly simple.. when people try to stick their nose into your business.. be outrageous.
Over the top.
Without boundaries.
Why should you observe being proper when they aren't?
Do not hurt the people I like or love. If you do.. prepare for a response.. sometimes it's slow.. sometimes it's verbal. Sometimes it's a poisoned cookie.
Because.. as they said on the Grey's Anatomy that I missed (dont watch it much anyway unless Libby wins the remote) people are important.. they may be waiting for you to die or fail.. but they are your people and having people is better than having no people.
For me.. my people are the mostest of the most to me. They remind me of where I come from. They remind me of why I am the way I am. They remind me of how come I can't give up. They remind me of why I have the mouth I do.
I am an amazingly simple woman.
I want what I want for as long as I want it until I am done with it.
Is that so hard to understand?
And therefore.. when someone asks me something stupid about not being miserable and married I can answer them sadly something sarcastic -- latest response is something like, "there was a horrible accident" and move along. And one day.. when all is said and done.. and we look back at the amazing times and laughter and tears (many) we had while on this adventure.. I will be able to say that I did it right. Even if it was only right by me.
Simple. Plain & Simple.
Less heavy on the bitch part lately.
But it's very simple what makes me happy: home.
These are my people. My people are important to me. No one can complain about my people except me ... punishable by death. My same people can be put to death for displeasing me but generally are allowed to remove themselves from my world til I am no longer displeased only to resurface like a giant lake monster.. where upon I forget why I was displeased in the first place.. unless you are one of the unlucky ones that did whatever so many times I blogged about putting a stop to you.
This week has been filled with some really high highs great laughs and good times and a sense of general peace. Of course.. as with all good things there are bad.. and yet.. today we will focus on the good.
I got to come home from Atlanta on Sunday before dark and managed to squeeze in time with Buster (smiling), Hissy (crying), Snowball (fun), and momma (had no phone service, no internet, no sense of humor when none of it was *really* broken!).
Monday seems filled with something.. but I don't recall..
Then Tuesday was Girl's Nite Out benefitting some booby cancer group.. I am sure they do upstanding wonderful things.. I just didnt pay much attention..
The meat of this is the who. I got to spend time with Sugar. Sugar would be Hissy's other g'ma. She rocks.
And while she rocks.. she doesn't know the power of putting people in their place.. She needs me.
Can't you tell?
What ON earth DO you do when someone asks something totally inappropriate? You respond with something SO over the top they cannot help but wonder.. "did she really just say that?"
Yes, my friends.. it's amazingly simple.. when people try to stick their nose into your business.. be outrageous.
Over the top.
Without boundaries.
Why should you observe being proper when they aren't?
Do not hurt the people I like or love. If you do.. prepare for a response.. sometimes it's slow.. sometimes it's verbal. Sometimes it's a poisoned cookie.
Because.. as they said on the Grey's Anatomy that I missed (dont watch it much anyway unless Libby wins the remote) people are important.. they may be waiting for you to die or fail.. but they are your people and having people is better than having no people.
For me.. my people are the mostest of the most to me. They remind me of where I come from. They remind me of why I am the way I am. They remind me of how come I can't give up. They remind me of why I have the mouth I do.
I am an amazingly simple woman.
I want what I want for as long as I want it until I am done with it.
Is that so hard to understand?
And therefore.. when someone asks me something stupid about not being miserable and married I can answer them sadly something sarcastic -- latest response is something like, "there was a horrible accident" and move along. And one day.. when all is said and done.. and we look back at the amazing times and laughter and tears (many) we had while on this adventure.. I will be able to say that I did it right. Even if it was only right by me.
Simple. Plain & Simple.
No images
Blogger isnt playing fair as far as pictures (again) and I'm tempted to blame it on my lappie here at the office.
I am at work on a call about our upcoming adventures in Dallas.. we were just told 12 hour days with no jeans and no tennis shoes.. the former is an issue.. the later is NOT.
Should I actually be dispatched to Dallas I will have 24 hours to report.. this is going to be interesting. Scary.
We all know I'll make myself known. I am sure I'll make the best of it.
I am at work on a call about our upcoming adventures in Dallas.. we were just told 12 hour days with no jeans and no tennis shoes.. the former is an issue.. the later is NOT.
Should I actually be dispatched to Dallas I will have 24 hours to report.. this is going to be interesting. Scary.
We all know I'll make myself known. I am sure I'll make the best of it.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
and a dose of reality (family should skip this one)
just as fast as you feel that you cant possibly hit the ground, things are going well and your flight is easy peasy nice and greasy.. you hit the wall called addiction.
and you have yet another failing.
and you have to hold back the morbid thoughts and the ill intended thoughts.
and you try to remember a love for the person that was.. because it sure as hell isnt the person in front of you.
and you wonder how is it that you could have the entire world and not care enough to try.
how on earth he could have everything and piss it away.
how i am going to make nice now.
i am tired. worn. finished. angry. really really angry.
i don't want to think about it. i just want it to stop.
and you have yet another failing.
and you have to hold back the morbid thoughts and the ill intended thoughts.
and you try to remember a love for the person that was.. because it sure as hell isnt the person in front of you.
and you wonder how is it that you could have the entire world and not care enough to try.
how on earth he could have everything and piss it away.
how i am going to make nice now.
i am tired. worn. finished. angry. really really angry.
i don't want to think about it. i just want it to stop.
I'd like to ..
I'd like to tell you that everything is perfect and no one gets hurt or is sad in the telling of this story.
I'd like to say that life wont ever offer you disappointments.
I'd like to tell you that every dog has it's day and it'll all be ok.
But being April Fool's day.. And tomorrow being April 2nd.. I can't lie to you or myself.
Being a very grounding date for me, you've won a very serious Nikki.
I had a wonderful trip. My heart is full. It was full the entire time I was there. There's something to be said about being so very lucky as to find another family hundreds of miles away. There's something to be said about walking back into a room and picking up a conversation midsentance.
There's something to be said about closure. About affirmations of the right choices being made.
Wednesday of last week I had a wonderful trip to Atlanta. The flight was bumpy as all get out and I remember breathing a sigh of relief when things finally leveled out. I also mumured a brief curse about Shannon Ceasar ruining take offs and landings for me with his midnight touch and goes all those years ago. (I was so young. Life was so simple.)
I got my hair "did" by the amazing Jack but apparently I flinched when he went to cut my hair into the actual cut he intended.. so he stopped and until Friday I pondered.. and Saturday found me back in his chair for a shorter cut.
Thursday was the office and visiting and flitting and socializing and horrible food and punishments in the form of chicken salad that wasnt and training that didnt.. And then..
The party.
If I could pick my family people from Atlanta would play a major part. The level of comfort just from seeing Steve's face.. Rosa's smile.. Sharon's hair.
Walking into Amsterdam I found home away from home in the sheer prescence of angels. My angels. Matt and Russ both had new friends.. Vicki's had a grandbaby.. Johnnie has a show.. Rosa finally has no house guests.. and in the midst of the laughter.. and gossip and secrets and wonderful food was me.
I had exactly one martini. It wasn't so much the soaking of vodka in my liver as much as my heart being entirely too full and my time being entirely too brief.
Instead? I was me. Toting and fetching and teasing and commenting.. wearing a tiara and vampin it up.. and tryin not to cry and miss a minute.
And it was all too brief. Goodbyes come too soon. Tears on me arent pretty. And suddenly I am worried about Friday's goodbyes. and then Sundays. But I knew that those goodbyes would be easier than being away from here.
Here is what keeps me going.
Friday's training class did more than drag. It was tear inducing and not from sadness.
I finally escaped to go home and nap.. and dreamed of far away people and made a mental note to try and explain to the who's the what's of my dream.. it didnt go well on Monday -- But I tried.
Friday nite.. birthday dinner at Brio with a bottle of twist top Hope wine. A finally answered text from Bob .. a trip to Mee's.. and a displeased Nikki.
I received a scolding on Monday from The Bob. He wasn't pleased with me or my friends. Apparently I was pointed.
Here's a hint. I was goin for pointed.
Oddly enough that was one interaction that made me realize one very important thing: If I'd stayed for that? for him? I'd have died a bored old maid in Atlanta. Period. Right choice. Closure. Affirmation. Entertainnment for days. but still.
Saturday was a day of recutting hair and long drawn out pauses in conversation. It was a reconnection with a very dear piece of my soul and some very necessary understandings hopefully shared. Who knows.... except for this.. I know I tried my very best to be understood.
Dixie does Drag was Saturday nite and once again I found myself honored with an invitation from Amanda Michaels.. And once again I was hit square in the heart when I looked at those faces of some of the most dear people to me. There's lots of words to be found in me.. but I can't express it correctly. All I know is life is good. I am blessed. I know love. I've seen it. I've felt it. I would do almost anything for those people. Ok.. the fact that there was fried chicken livers and peppermint ice cream with chocolate fudge sauce after helps the whole "I love each and every one of you' feeling
Sunday was a cast of characters that either couldnt or wouldnt join the nite before.. a nice rounding out of my weekend. There were gaps. There are things I'd change. There are things I wouldnt.
Perfect bacon should never be questioned.
And as I wandered about the Atlanta airport hours later I found myself singing under my breath something along the lines of .. 'and I could not ask for more.
My loves. The people who know me and sometimes understand me..and the ones who want to understand me but rarely "get" me.. they will share with you that I am not the most easily pleased person. I've heard from a few of all of them that I am spoiled. But really.. the spoiling isn't true .. I love. And I am loved. Deeply.
And when I walked into Erath and found my babies and my snowball awaiting to hear my adventures.. when my momma broke the entire phone system in the 337 so I'd come home.. when I snuggled that little girl on my way out the door.. I knew it.
I'd like to be the one to tell you this first:
I am home. Well travelled. Planning my next adventure.. which is only made possible because I am *home*.
I'd like to say that life wont ever offer you disappointments.
I'd like to tell you that every dog has it's day and it'll all be ok.
But being April Fool's day.. And tomorrow being April 2nd.. I can't lie to you or myself.
Being a very grounding date for me, you've won a very serious Nikki.
I had a wonderful trip. My heart is full. It was full the entire time I was there. There's something to be said about being so very lucky as to find another family hundreds of miles away. There's something to be said about walking back into a room and picking up a conversation midsentance.
There's something to be said about closure. About affirmations of the right choices being made.
Wednesday of last week I had a wonderful trip to Atlanta. The flight was bumpy as all get out and I remember breathing a sigh of relief when things finally leveled out. I also mumured a brief curse about Shannon Ceasar ruining take offs and landings for me with his midnight touch and goes all those years ago. (I was so young. Life was so simple.)
I got my hair "did" by the amazing Jack but apparently I flinched when he went to cut my hair into the actual cut he intended.. so he stopped and until Friday I pondered.. and Saturday found me back in his chair for a shorter cut.
Thursday was the office and visiting and flitting and socializing and horrible food and punishments in the form of chicken salad that wasnt and training that didnt.. And then..
The party.
If I could pick my family people from Atlanta would play a major part. The level of comfort just from seeing Steve's face.. Rosa's smile.. Sharon's hair.
Walking into Amsterdam I found home away from home in the sheer prescence of angels. My angels. Matt and Russ both had new friends.. Vicki's had a grandbaby.. Johnnie has a show.. Rosa finally has no house guests.. and in the midst of the laughter.. and gossip and secrets and wonderful food was me.
I had exactly one martini. It wasn't so much the soaking of vodka in my liver as much as my heart being entirely too full and my time being entirely too brief.
Instead? I was me. Toting and fetching and teasing and commenting.. wearing a tiara and vampin it up.. and tryin not to cry and miss a minute.
And it was all too brief. Goodbyes come too soon. Tears on me arent pretty. And suddenly I am worried about Friday's goodbyes. and then Sundays. But I knew that those goodbyes would be easier than being away from here.
Here is what keeps me going.
Friday's training class did more than drag. It was tear inducing and not from sadness.
I finally escaped to go home and nap.. and dreamed of far away people and made a mental note to try and explain to the who's the what's of my dream.. it didnt go well on Monday -- But I tried.
Friday nite.. birthday dinner at Brio with a bottle of twist top Hope wine. A finally answered text from Bob .. a trip to Mee's.. and a displeased Nikki.
I received a scolding on Monday from The Bob. He wasn't pleased with me or my friends. Apparently I was pointed.
Here's a hint. I was goin for pointed.
Oddly enough that was one interaction that made me realize one very important thing: If I'd stayed for that? for him? I'd have died a bored old maid in Atlanta. Period. Right choice. Closure. Affirmation. Entertainnment for days. but still.
Saturday was a day of recutting hair and long drawn out pauses in conversation. It was a reconnection with a very dear piece of my soul and some very necessary understandings hopefully shared. Who knows.... except for this.. I know I tried my very best to be understood.
Dixie does Drag was Saturday nite and once again I found myself honored with an invitation from Amanda Michaels.. And once again I was hit square in the heart when I looked at those faces of some of the most dear people to me. There's lots of words to be found in me.. but I can't express it correctly. All I know is life is good. I am blessed. I know love. I've seen it. I've felt it. I would do almost anything for those people. Ok.. the fact that there was fried chicken livers and peppermint ice cream with chocolate fudge sauce after helps the whole "I love each and every one of you' feeling
Sunday was a cast of characters that either couldnt or wouldnt join the nite before.. a nice rounding out of my weekend. There were gaps. There are things I'd change. There are things I wouldnt.
Perfect bacon should never be questioned.
And as I wandered about the Atlanta airport hours later I found myself singing under my breath something along the lines of .. 'and I could not ask for more.
My loves. The people who know me and sometimes understand me..and the ones who want to understand me but rarely "get" me.. they will share with you that I am not the most easily pleased person. I've heard from a few of all of them that I am spoiled. But really.. the spoiling isn't true .. I love. And I am loved. Deeply.
And when I walked into Erath and found my babies and my snowball awaiting to hear my adventures.. when my momma broke the entire phone system in the 337 so I'd come home.. when I snuggled that little girl on my way out the door.. I knew it.
I'd like to be the one to tell you this first:
I am home. Well travelled. Planning my next adventure.. which is only made possible because I am *home*.
Friday, March 27, 2009
A country mouse.. just sitting here
I'm sitting here.. Exactly where I left.. and I am surprised to not find it lacking.
Everything is as I left it.. except different. I am so very blessed to be here. To see these people. To smile.. bright and big and want to cry inside.
See.. I didnt want to leave them. I just could and more than could I had to. My entire goal all along if you missed it was to get back home. And someone was stupid enough to say I could go home and if there's one thing you should know about me is I am never above allowing someone to be stupid when it gives me exactly what I want.
Here's the rub.. I wasn't ready to leave from here. New Orleans.. sure. I was pretty damn miserable and the Donnie situation wasnt ever going to get healthy. I was done. I'd sucked the marrow from that bone and we needed time apart.
Atlanta? Not so much. There's so much here that makes me happy. I've had a smile on my face the entire time... except now when I tear up thinking of leaving them.. leaving here.
I am -- have always been -- so very welcome here. These people.. .they are amazing. they have been my family while I was away from my family.. and to get to be with them.. near them while still full up on my own family? Is amazing.
Tammy told me I glow.. what she doesn't understand that being here and seeing them and knowing on Sunday I will be with my snowball and momma and if I want Hissy and Buster ... gives me utter peace. I will be/am sad to know that it's 309 and I am not free to flit and visit on the floor due to a training class. I am so very blessed to be here.. with these people..who didnt have to like me or be kind to me and yet... they took me in.. and made me a part of them.
There's been so many changes.. people are gone here. I was rumored to have left the company. So much loss. so much love. So very happy.
So.. I'm sitting here.. at home. I am over looking the park that I lived in for precisely two years. I'm home. This is a beautiful city-- if you've never been to Atlanta.. do come. Invite me.. or ask.. I'll tell you where some of the best local food and flavor is to be found. I am astounded by the colors.. even in the dreary days of rain I've brought with me. People are so friendly.. men wait for women to enter an elevator first.. they hold doors.. they step aside.. even for the fat chick.. like me. I'm so very blessed.. so very lucky.. so very much happy to be here.
I keep looking around me.. and I know I am a bit misty eyed.. it is SO very different than my real home.. but yet.. so very REAL to me.. it's like I never left.. when in fact it's been four months. This campus is beautiful.. the building is exceptional. It's unlike any business building I've worked in before. It's no cutting edge.. it's just got the same touch of polish that I find all of Atlanta has... and perhaps.. one day.. after enough visits that polish will rub off on this poor lil country mouse.. who once lived in this big bustling city. Perhaps.
Everything is as I left it.. except different. I am so very blessed to be here. To see these people. To smile.. bright and big and want to cry inside.
See.. I didnt want to leave them. I just could and more than could I had to. My entire goal all along if you missed it was to get back home. And someone was stupid enough to say I could go home and if there's one thing you should know about me is I am never above allowing someone to be stupid when it gives me exactly what I want.
Here's the rub.. I wasn't ready to leave from here. New Orleans.. sure. I was pretty damn miserable and the Donnie situation wasnt ever going to get healthy. I was done. I'd sucked the marrow from that bone and we needed time apart.
Atlanta? Not so much. There's so much here that makes me happy. I've had a smile on my face the entire time... except now when I tear up thinking of leaving them.. leaving here.
I am -- have always been -- so very welcome here. These people.. .they are amazing. they have been my family while I was away from my family.. and to get to be with them.. near them while still full up on my own family? Is amazing.
Tammy told me I glow.. what she doesn't understand that being here and seeing them and knowing on Sunday I will be with my snowball and momma and if I want Hissy and Buster ... gives me utter peace. I will be/am sad to know that it's 309 and I am not free to flit and visit on the floor due to a training class. I am so very blessed to be here.. with these people..who didnt have to like me or be kind to me and yet... they took me in.. and made me a part of them.
There's been so many changes.. people are gone here. I was rumored to have left the company. So much loss. so much love. So very happy.
So.. I'm sitting here.. at home. I am over looking the park that I lived in for precisely two years. I'm home. This is a beautiful city-- if you've never been to Atlanta.. do come. Invite me.. or ask.. I'll tell you where some of the best local food and flavor is to be found. I am astounded by the colors.. even in the dreary days of rain I've brought with me. People are so friendly.. men wait for women to enter an elevator first.. they hold doors.. they step aside.. even for the fat chick.. like me. I'm so very blessed.. so very lucky.. so very much happy to be here.
I keep looking around me.. and I know I am a bit misty eyed.. it is SO very different than my real home.. but yet.. so very REAL to me.. it's like I never left.. when in fact it's been four months. This campus is beautiful.. the building is exceptional. It's unlike any business building I've worked in before. It's no cutting edge.. it's just got the same touch of polish that I find all of Atlanta has... and perhaps.. one day.. after enough visits that polish will rub off on this poor lil country mouse.. who once lived in this big bustling city. Perhaps.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Delightful Delights
So. I am apparently sick. Add to that that I've been office diagnosed with pink eye and you get me in glasses with a semi scowl on my face.
I am almost packed to go to Atlanta for a few fun filled days and nites full of people I adore and people I miss.
And now this.
Do i worry? sure. Do i care? Not much. maybe its irritation from being sick the last few days.. all i know is I've got to sign in with my remote dial card in the next 23 days or i'll be kicked out of the cool kids club and never allowed back.
I must post at some point about the delightful additions to our family list of recipes that we've found over the last few weeks.. but sadly for you and happily for me it wont be today.
I am going to go and try to activate my dials card remotely and see if I can get the damn thing to work.. if not.. It's tannin and then i'll be back as quick as can be.
much love. to some. others deserve a kick to the knee... maybe
I am almost packed to go to Atlanta for a few fun filled days and nites full of people I adore and people I miss.
And now this.
Do i worry? sure. Do i care? Not much. maybe its irritation from being sick the last few days.. all i know is I've got to sign in with my remote dial card in the next 23 days or i'll be kicked out of the cool kids club and never allowed back.
I must post at some point about the delightful additions to our family list of recipes that we've found over the last few weeks.. but sadly for you and happily for me it wont be today.
I am going to go and try to activate my dials card remotely and see if I can get the damn thing to work.. if not.. It's tannin and then i'll be back as quick as can be.
much love. to some. others deserve a kick to the knee... maybe
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
NOLA PICS
Anyone know why she made me walk all this way to stand in front of a stupid boat?
Tantie caught a butterfly!
Tantie as a drowned rat.
Eatin ice cream after makin friends by calling people "fool"
It's called a Christmas Tree..
Hey.. look.. a sign! 
Tired baby.. 
He does "scared" well huh? Ham! 
We were jus happy to be out of the car I think
Hey Mister.. Can I have a job? I have pants! (somewhere) Why are you doin' this to me!?
Yes. My 4 year old nephew asked me this while plodding down Canal St in New Orleans while we were on vacation.
First thought about the entire trip is we must do more things like this. Possibly involving other family members.
The entire trip I thought about how Zack and Alex should be with us. How Eric could have come too and we could have all enjoyed ourselves.. together. But that isn't the case is it? If you're a sister reading this.. you may just want to stop here.
I admit. I overplanned life for three days for my Buster. I didn't think about the "walking" part being unfun. The weather didn't cooperate. We were overtired and overdone.
I, however, had a freakin blast.
It started on Thurday nite when my clothes horse of a nephew decided we were bringing all his clothes. He might need it. At one point he put on his tie (clip on) with his spiderman sleep shirt.
We went from using the smaller new suitcase to using the larger one because my stuff and his stuff took up more room and there was no way I was going without makeup.
I should have left my laptop(s) behind. We never had a down moment that we could have really made use of any internet connection out there.
Friday had a later start because Buster needed to "rest my eyes" a lil longer and actually got back under the covers to snore (fake) for me.
I finally got to Granny's got Kailey and we all kissed Snowball and hit the road.. and made it all of 3 miles to the gas station where we filled up and got snacks.. (and saw Kevin LaSalle whom I'd not seen in years and wow how odd)
If momma had ever taken Buster to visit me he'd have been used to the drive.. She didn't. He wasn't. We were questioned (often) about how long was it gonna take and how come we were going so far. I ended up answering him "it's worth it" from then on.. and yes.. this question came up often with him.
I was wowed.. yes I said wowed by the New Orleans zoo. I had an awesome time.. I was hot and dressed for 60 degree weather and it was roughly 84 but it was so worth it and so much better than I remember it.. and we didnt even see everything. We spent about 3 hours.. and then jumped back in the car to go to the hotel.
Buster was taken by the great KK down to the pool while I showered and got myself together.. After that we went to eat sushi like good Catholics... and had ice cream on the sidewalk of my favorite restaurant while visiting with my boys Bassam and Jeremy. Finally. after two years of hunting for something even close I FINALLY got to have good Ashta. It was heaven. Pure, Pure, Pure heaven. Somethings are as good as our memory.. somethings are well worth the wait.. and returning home is one of them.
I looked forward to Bassam and Jeremy (that's fool to the rest of you) coming visit us at the hotel.. we were runnin on fumes though and ended up with a sleeping baby and a pj'd KK before the gents got downtown.
J, B, and I went walk Bourbon since KK was so gracious about staying with Buster.. It was good to see people back on the streets. It was good to smell (ok not so much) the life returning to my city. I could almost squint my eyes and believe the storm hadn't happened.. til I remembered I'm not that girl any more.
Saturday brought a trek down to Cafe Du Monde.. only to find we were hours late and the lines were stupid long. Then we were insulted by a waitress and stuck in the rain.. then we took off walkin to meet Germy (as Buster took to calling him after "fool" didn't stick) and I realized we were at Central Grocery.. so a muff and a half were stuffed into the backpack and we hailed a taxi.
Yes. I caved. I took a taxi. And dont you know.. since it was St Patty's day all of 4 days later they charged us extra for "special event" charges.. .that's my NOLA.. Always lookin for somethin out of nothin.
Even with me paying this extra charge we were dropped off well beyond what was a quick walk to the aquarium... Luckily however, we had our tickets so we were able to go find a window ledge out of the crowd and have our breakfast of lunch. And Ships. which you and I would call chips.. but my baby is missin his two front teeth.
Jeremy didn't listen to Tantie Nikki at all when she told him where to park so he was soaked to the bone and we were quite the foursome. We had a blast touching sting rays and nurse sharks and alligators.. and taking pictures and takin pictures and takin pictures.
After that we did the Insectatorium or something. We ate bugs. We being Kailey and I.. since Buster had a melt down saying he doesnt eat bugs. ever. ever. ever. ever. The evers got louder and I was close to being "that woman with the screaming child".
We walked back to the hotel with a minor detour for me to visit with two old coworkers who were in the FQ for the Irish Italian marching parade.. but we needed naps.. so we slept til 7 and then had a proper feast at Phoenicia.. the best place on the face of the planet. Followed by Morning Call.. it was the perfect ending to the perfect day (of disaster).
Sunday brought accidents and delays and almost getting rained on again. But we found (eventually) treats for everyone but KK and Tantie and a toy for Buster.. but we always can go back, huh?
So. Tha's it. I'm sure theres a blog or seventeen about spending time in my city. with Jeremy. With my Buster. but.. that's what happened.. and I'm stickin to my story.
Pics to follow if Blogger isnt being a butthead.
First thought about the entire trip is we must do more things like this. Possibly involving other family members.
The entire trip I thought about how Zack and Alex should be with us. How Eric could have come too and we could have all enjoyed ourselves.. together. But that isn't the case is it? If you're a sister reading this.. you may just want to stop here.
I admit. I overplanned life for three days for my Buster. I didn't think about the "walking" part being unfun. The weather didn't cooperate. We were overtired and overdone.
I, however, had a freakin blast.
It started on Thurday nite when my clothes horse of a nephew decided we were bringing all his clothes. He might need it. At one point he put on his tie (clip on) with his spiderman sleep shirt.
We went from using the smaller new suitcase to using the larger one because my stuff and his stuff took up more room and there was no way I was going without makeup.
I should have left my laptop(s) behind. We never had a down moment that we could have really made use of any internet connection out there.
Friday had a later start because Buster needed to "rest my eyes" a lil longer and actually got back under the covers to snore (fake) for me.
I finally got to Granny's got Kailey and we all kissed Snowball and hit the road.. and made it all of 3 miles to the gas station where we filled up and got snacks.. (and saw Kevin LaSalle whom I'd not seen in years and wow how odd)
If momma had ever taken Buster to visit me he'd have been used to the drive.. She didn't. He wasn't. We were questioned (often) about how long was it gonna take and how come we were going so far. I ended up answering him "it's worth it" from then on.. and yes.. this question came up often with him.
I was wowed.. yes I said wowed by the New Orleans zoo. I had an awesome time.. I was hot and dressed for 60 degree weather and it was roughly 84 but it was so worth it and so much better than I remember it.. and we didnt even see everything. We spent about 3 hours.. and then jumped back in the car to go to the hotel.
Buster was taken by the great KK down to the pool while I showered and got myself together.. After that we went to eat sushi like good Catholics... and had ice cream on the sidewalk of my favorite restaurant while visiting with my boys Bassam and Jeremy. Finally. after two years of hunting for something even close I FINALLY got to have good Ashta. It was heaven. Pure, Pure, Pure heaven. Somethings are as good as our memory.. somethings are well worth the wait.. and returning home is one of them.
I looked forward to Bassam and Jeremy (that's fool to the rest of you) coming visit us at the hotel.. we were runnin on fumes though and ended up with a sleeping baby and a pj'd KK before the gents got downtown.
J, B, and I went walk Bourbon since KK was so gracious about staying with Buster.. It was good to see people back on the streets. It was good to smell (ok not so much) the life returning to my city. I could almost squint my eyes and believe the storm hadn't happened.. til I remembered I'm not that girl any more.
Saturday brought a trek down to Cafe Du Monde.. only to find we were hours late and the lines were stupid long. Then we were insulted by a waitress and stuck in the rain.. then we took off walkin to meet Germy (as Buster took to calling him after "fool" didn't stick) and I realized we were at Central Grocery.. so a muff and a half were stuffed into the backpack and we hailed a taxi.
Yes. I caved. I took a taxi. And dont you know.. since it was St Patty's day all of 4 days later they charged us extra for "special event" charges.. .that's my NOLA.. Always lookin for somethin out of nothin.
Even with me paying this extra charge we were dropped off well beyond what was a quick walk to the aquarium... Luckily however, we had our tickets so we were able to go find a window ledge out of the crowd and have our breakfast of lunch. And Ships. which you and I would call chips.. but my baby is missin his two front teeth.
Jeremy didn't listen to Tantie Nikki at all when she told him where to park so he was soaked to the bone and we were quite the foursome. We had a blast touching sting rays and nurse sharks and alligators.. and taking pictures and takin pictures and takin pictures.
After that we did the Insectatorium or something. We ate bugs. We being Kailey and I.. since Buster had a melt down saying he doesnt eat bugs. ever. ever. ever. ever. The evers got louder and I was close to being "that woman with the screaming child".
We walked back to the hotel with a minor detour for me to visit with two old coworkers who were in the FQ for the Irish Italian marching parade.. but we needed naps.. so we slept til 7 and then had a proper feast at Phoenicia.. the best place on the face of the planet. Followed by Morning Call.. it was the perfect ending to the perfect day (of disaster).
Sunday brought accidents and delays and almost getting rained on again. But we found (eventually) treats for everyone but KK and Tantie and a toy for Buster.. but we always can go back, huh?
So. Tha's it. I'm sure theres a blog or seventeen about spending time in my city. with Jeremy. With my Buster. but.. that's what happened.. and I'm stickin to my story.
Pics to follow if Blogger isnt being a butthead.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
A modern day fairy tale ... or my attempt at..
would be much easier to write if I could actually add the pictures that started me on this story.. which has led to this rant.
Seriously Blogger.. are you an ex boyfriend that will never be deemed as such since we never got around to actually calling what we were doing an actual relationship?
Do you not sleep at nite because of me?
Are you testy and listless?
Irritated?
Annoyed.
Cause seriously you should consider a new job if you are only gonna let certain items work for me.
Maybe we should break up.
I think I'll even tell you via a blog.
Seriously Blogger.. are you an ex boyfriend that will never be deemed as such since we never got around to actually calling what we were doing an actual relationship?
Do you not sleep at nite because of me?
Are you testy and listless?
Irritated?
Annoyed.
Cause seriously you should consider a new job if you are only gonna let certain items work for me.
Maybe we should break up.
I think I'll even tell you via a blog.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Livin on Spongecake
Silliness abounds here.. I've got the zunie tuned to the radio and am listening to some ditty about the local casino .. the most excitement on the basin.. we're number one. And now.. Christian music.. not the religious form .. Jimmy ... Margaritaville.
I had a wonderful weekend -- not that anything went the way I expected..
I believe I found my bedroom set but am not peachy keen about having it in storage.. so I'll wait.
I found the brown pair of shoes that match the black pair that dont hurt.
I found a over the top, oh so Nikki necklace.
I found several non cleavage shirts to wear to the office ...
I found suitcases for my upcoming adventures (360 wheelie things... lovin em!)
I spoke to my adopted brother and promised to make plans to get together soon.. which would be lovely and so very perfect for me.
I have decided to work on my letter writing skills ... so be on the look out for actual "gasp" hand written letters .. since mind reading isnt apparently a talent any of us have.. it'll be a nice break from reading fiction.
anyway -- this was jus a sample post.. I'm back to blogger issues and it sucks to not be able to write when you want to.. then be able to and only provide a sad lil recap that didn't touch on anything that mattered.
I had a wonderful weekend -- not that anything went the way I expected..
I believe I found my bedroom set but am not peachy keen about having it in storage.. so I'll wait.
I found the brown pair of shoes that match the black pair that dont hurt.
I found a over the top, oh so Nikki necklace.
I found several non cleavage shirts to wear to the office ...
I found suitcases for my upcoming adventures (360 wheelie things... lovin em!)
I spoke to my adopted brother and promised to make plans to get together soon.. which would be lovely and so very perfect for me.
I have decided to work on my letter writing skills ... so be on the look out for actual "gasp" hand written letters .. since mind reading isnt apparently a talent any of us have.. it'll be a nice break from reading fiction.
anyway -- this was jus a sample post.. I'm back to blogger issues and it sucks to not be able to write when you want to.. then be able to and only provide a sad lil recap that didn't touch on anything that mattered.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I hate it
when someone says "as you wish" and then doesn't fuckin do it.
So I went tan and came update my lappie and did it my damn self.
Because of the two of us? Only one of us cares about my wishes.
And it isn't what you see reflecting back in the mirror.
It is indeed a lonely nite in Georgia.
On the other hand.. it's a beautiful day in Louisiana. Dress day at that.
As you wish, indeed. I've honored your wishes. Now honor mine.
Be gone.
So I went tan and came update my lappie and did it my damn self.
Because of the two of us? Only one of us cares about my wishes.
And it isn't what you see reflecting back in the mirror.
It is indeed a lonely nite in Georgia.
On the other hand.. it's a beautiful day in Louisiana. Dress day at that.
As you wish, indeed. I've honored your wishes. Now honor mine.
Be gone.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I *am* livin right.
So.. in the last few days in the midst of temper tantrums and some pretty horrid headaches I've managed to square a few things away.
Now that training is settled let's see if we can't get into the swing of things..
I am tempted to declare it the Year of Nikki.. seein as the last one went pretty well for me.. I am mulling it over.. if I do.. Fair warning.. I won't be much fun as far as putting others before me. It's about me and taking care of me.. and I'll try my best to do so without actually makin it a whole year.. but then again.. who knows.
So. Henceforth this is what has been declared:
I am going to New Orleans to see some dear loves with some dear loves. I will be staying in the French Quarter and dining at my favorite places with my favorite people. If it goes as planned we'll even bring back treats for a cherished few.
I am going to Atlanta to see some dear loves. Since I left there's been a big cycle of change and more than a few of my favorite people were let go.. I am blessed that my new boss adores me enough to not care where I work from so he's given his blessing to travel on my own time and report to my old office. I. Cannot. Wait. I've secured housing and social plans and a hair session with the Amazing Just Jack. Hell I might even see Lane, Bobbert, Jared, & Topher.. I love that they love me enough to confirm ahead of time their happiness at seeing me.
This visit puts to rest a few of my worries.. Seeing Jack will give me some breathing room while getting back to an even keel about my hair.. which to you isn't important..to me.. its essential.
Happy aside.. My hair has decided to stop falling out. All hail the amazing Biotin.. I jus take double the dose 5 days a week and say a lil prayer when I brush or wash that I dont end up with (more) clumps.. I actually think this lil pill of goodness is also the reason that I have nails growing.. I mean.. K'bird as my witness I can paint my nails now with the best of em.. hell on the 5 hour ordeal and poorly done polish change while sneakin in a pedi. I have arranged a vast assortment of high quality fun colors (ie quirky and Margaret annoying) that make me happy and hopefully coordinate with my toes some how some way.. even if its in my own head.
Right now I am rocking a soft coral that reminds me of Momma Rosa's color.. omg. I need to call her.
Anyway.. Brandon chose my toe color sorta.. its a louder coral and I am hoping to offset it one of these days with a nice tan. Tha's next on my to do list..
Back on task.. after I return from ATL (HEEEE) I'll have a brief wait to find out if I am booking a trip to Vegas or goin to Dallas to visit the loves (never yet met on some parts.. met a few times on other parts -- adored nonetheless always) for a nice lil work stoppage. I can't say my company hopes it happens.. but we all know the lovely Nikki thinks social time is AMAZING. So sign my @ss up.. huh?
If the stoppage ...stops.. lol... I'll be whisking off to Vegas to encounter a recently reaquired old friend. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure -- no matter what that trip will happen.. it's nice and a neutral place and I want to go.. hello.. tacky, garish, sparklie, loud, people watching, alcohol providing.. I'm in. It'll jus be delayed a tiny tad.. but wonderous nevertheless when it occurs.
I've spoken to a nice lady at the LA Department of Revenue.. and she's assisting me with finding out if the information I've been provided previously is correct.. she was lovely and I feel like I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.. logic or no.
A second aside.. I cannot hold it against logic that some people who claim to use it are distastefully horrible. I'll continue to work on not holding it against logic and try to avoid locking it in a closet like a red headed step child with ugly orangeish freckles that stand out against his yellowish skin. Try. But he's so not cute.
Anyway.. I had a lovely weekend ... FABS Lunch on Friday followed by shopping and Buster AND Hissy time.. even if he didn't want to be touched.. a great family dinner with my favorites of favorites ... Baking and snugglin and lots of fun the rest of the weekend with amusing touches from outside my realm. Luckily there was little leftover headache from a nasty migraine Sunday nite on Monday morning and was able to finish my training as best (most) as I could.. and I finished first. Today I had an eye exam.. I go back in a week for a followup on some new brand of contacts that actually have me lovin life right now.. And then.. (drumrolll) I can get my new specs from Robert.. K'bird and I might have to make this a tradition of her helpin me pick out the most rockin pair..
The stars aligning? I don't know.
An effort to find peace in the fact that I am exactly where I want to be? Very much so.
I cannot tell you the huge sense of happiness when I stop at Snowball's.. when I open the door to the sunset that's oh, so different from Atlanta.. when I cross the bridge.. when I realize to see them is jus a matter of reaching out and calling or walking in. No productions. The very little bits of every day NORMAL life are such an amazing gift.
I was asked last nite by an inquisitive person if I ever regret anything. The most simple answer is no. I made my choices.. I thought them out carefully. I acted. I've reacted.. but I've always made sure that at the end of the nite the people I love know it.. the people who've crossed me know it.. the people who need me know I am there for them. I've been careless with my heart at times.. but at the same point in time I won't ever say 'I wish I'd tried'. I did. Try.
Failed horridly. Won successfully. Experienced a real. true. life.
Remember ... this is what you are livin for.. when you live so far in the 'what ifs' and 'whens' you miss the now.. and this *really* is all there is. Make the very best of it..
~Much
Now that training is settled let's see if we can't get into the swing of things..
I am tempted to declare it the Year of Nikki.. seein as the last one went pretty well for me.. I am mulling it over.. if I do.. Fair warning.. I won't be much fun as far as putting others before me. It's about me and taking care of me.. and I'll try my best to do so without actually makin it a whole year.. but then again.. who knows.
So. Henceforth this is what has been declared:
I am going to New Orleans to see some dear loves with some dear loves. I will be staying in the French Quarter and dining at my favorite places with my favorite people. If it goes as planned we'll even bring back treats for a cherished few.
I am going to Atlanta to see some dear loves. Since I left there's been a big cycle of change and more than a few of my favorite people were let go.. I am blessed that my new boss adores me enough to not care where I work from so he's given his blessing to travel on my own time and report to my old office. I. Cannot. Wait. I've secured housing and social plans and a hair session with the Amazing Just Jack. Hell I might even see Lane, Bobbert, Jared, & Topher.. I love that they love me enough to confirm ahead of time their happiness at seeing me.
This visit puts to rest a few of my worries.. Seeing Jack will give me some breathing room while getting back to an even keel about my hair.. which to you isn't important..to me.. its essential.
Happy aside.. My hair has decided to stop falling out. All hail the amazing Biotin.. I jus take double the dose 5 days a week and say a lil prayer when I brush or wash that I dont end up with (more) clumps.. I actually think this lil pill of goodness is also the reason that I have nails growing.. I mean.. K'bird as my witness I can paint my nails now with the best of em.. hell on the 5 hour ordeal and poorly done polish change while sneakin in a pedi. I have arranged a vast assortment of high quality fun colors (ie quirky and Margaret annoying) that make me happy and hopefully coordinate with my toes some how some way.. even if its in my own head.
Right now I am rocking a soft coral that reminds me of Momma Rosa's color.. omg. I need to call her.
Anyway.. Brandon chose my toe color sorta.. its a louder coral and I am hoping to offset it one of these days with a nice tan. Tha's next on my to do list..
Back on task.. after I return from ATL (HEEEE) I'll have a brief wait to find out if I am booking a trip to Vegas or goin to Dallas to visit the loves (never yet met on some parts.. met a few times on other parts -- adored nonetheless always) for a nice lil work stoppage. I can't say my company hopes it happens.. but we all know the lovely Nikki thinks social time is AMAZING. So sign my @ss up.. huh?
If the stoppage ...stops.. lol... I'll be whisking off to Vegas to encounter a recently reaquired old friend. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure -- no matter what that trip will happen.. it's nice and a neutral place and I want to go.. hello.. tacky, garish, sparklie, loud, people watching, alcohol providing.. I'm in. It'll jus be delayed a tiny tad.. but wonderous nevertheless when it occurs.
I've spoken to a nice lady at the LA Department of Revenue.. and she's assisting me with finding out if the information I've been provided previously is correct.. she was lovely and I feel like I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.. logic or no.
A second aside.. I cannot hold it against logic that some people who claim to use it are distastefully horrible. I'll continue to work on not holding it against logic and try to avoid locking it in a closet like a red headed step child with ugly orangeish freckles that stand out against his yellowish skin. Try. But he's so not cute.
Anyway.. I had a lovely weekend ... FABS Lunch on Friday followed by shopping and Buster AND Hissy time.. even if he didn't want to be touched.. a great family dinner with my favorites of favorites ... Baking and snugglin and lots of fun the rest of the weekend with amusing touches from outside my realm. Luckily there was little leftover headache from a nasty migraine Sunday nite on Monday morning and was able to finish my training as best (most) as I could.. and I finished first. Today I had an eye exam.. I go back in a week for a followup on some new brand of contacts that actually have me lovin life right now.. And then.. (drumrolll) I can get my new specs from Robert.. K'bird and I might have to make this a tradition of her helpin me pick out the most rockin pair..
The stars aligning? I don't know.
An effort to find peace in the fact that I am exactly where I want to be? Very much so.
I cannot tell you the huge sense of happiness when I stop at Snowball's.. when I open the door to the sunset that's oh, so different from Atlanta.. when I cross the bridge.. when I realize to see them is jus a matter of reaching out and calling or walking in. No productions. The very little bits of every day NORMAL life are such an amazing gift.
I was asked last nite by an inquisitive person if I ever regret anything. The most simple answer is no. I made my choices.. I thought them out carefully. I acted. I've reacted.. but I've always made sure that at the end of the nite the people I love know it.. the people who've crossed me know it.. the people who need me know I am there for them. I've been careless with my heart at times.. but at the same point in time I won't ever say 'I wish I'd tried'. I did. Try.
Failed horridly. Won successfully. Experienced a real. true. life.
Remember ... this is what you are livin for.. when you live so far in the 'what ifs' and 'whens' you miss the now.. and this *really* is all there is. Make the very best of it..
~Much
Friday, February 27, 2009
Weakish Recap
It's not been my strongest or best week.. hence the weak. . . so let's get to it.
A quiet weekend rolled into a quiet Lundi Gras. Kbird agreed to come with me to the office for a little while on Monday before our day of adventuring began.
Since my newly mani'd nails (color not of my own choice) had already removed the offensive color on their own I hurriedly slapped on a coat of "shower together" which could actually be referred to as Smurf Blue. It's fun.. sillly.. not serious.. So me.
While fooling the general world that I know what I am doing.. Kailey looked about my oddly shaped and furnished work space and found pictures that she remembered and also saw a glimpse of the past when she realized my brother is, indeed, spitting image of my father. Interesting to see the connections there.. especially when you see pictures of a younger momma.. and see a great deal of her in me.
We ran errands and scoped out a new place to live.. and giggled and laughed and somehow managed to annoy Jeremy -- but then again I do that by breathing some times.
And in the scope of the next few days I found my comfort with visits with Buster and Hissy both.. two nites in a row.. the greatest thing about this is being able to jump up and go.. whether its to Nanny's to eat dinner celebrating 89 years of life... or gathering at Snowball's for great pizza and strawberries.. with not one but TWO sorts of sugar..
I am still fighting something that wants me to be sick.. Nite time phone calls are shorter (yet just as sweet) and not so laughter filled this week. I haven't really been cranky.. jus sleepy and not willing to fight/snipe/or flirt. Mark *that* down.
Two nites this week I was actually visited in dreams by people I'd like to deal with. One nite was a full nite of confrontation.. with nothing being settled.. how like my waking world. No one died. And should I be allowed this confrontation in the real world I cannot say that that will happen. I am pretty unhappy,, and I've confirmed.. it's well within my right to be so.
The other was sweeter but verily impossible to happen because there was actually peace.. not on earth.. jus in my family.
So today is a day of work.. more training and nail painting and vitamin taking. I will leave a couple hours early since I spent part of Monday here.. It's Lent in Louisiana so.. that means seafood.. which means a deadly version of chicken around here for me. I'll attempt this no meat thing but the first sight of shrimp and I will be on an all steak diet. I think I'll do either sushi or Agave patio later.. and maybe some Buster time.. we have an escape to plan.. I have all my sugars lined up..
A quiet weekend rolled into a quiet Lundi Gras. Kbird agreed to come with me to the office for a little while on Monday before our day of adventuring began.
Since my newly mani'd nails (color not of my own choice) had already removed the offensive color on their own I hurriedly slapped on a coat of "shower together" which could actually be referred to as Smurf Blue. It's fun.. sillly.. not serious.. So me.
While fooling the general world that I know what I am doing.. Kailey looked about my oddly shaped and furnished work space and found pictures that she remembered and also saw a glimpse of the past when she realized my brother is, indeed, spitting image of my father. Interesting to see the connections there.. especially when you see pictures of a younger momma.. and see a great deal of her in me.
We ran errands and scoped out a new place to live.. and giggled and laughed and somehow managed to annoy Jeremy -- but then again I do that by breathing some times.
And in the scope of the next few days I found my comfort with visits with Buster and Hissy both.. two nites in a row.. the greatest thing about this is being able to jump up and go.. whether its to Nanny's to eat dinner celebrating 89 years of life... or gathering at Snowball's for great pizza and strawberries.. with not one but TWO sorts of sugar..
I am still fighting something that wants me to be sick.. Nite time phone calls are shorter (yet just as sweet) and not so laughter filled this week. I haven't really been cranky.. jus sleepy and not willing to fight/snipe/or flirt. Mark *that* down.
Two nites this week I was actually visited in dreams by people I'd like to deal with. One nite was a full nite of confrontation.. with nothing being settled.. how like my waking world. No one died. And should I be allowed this confrontation in the real world I cannot say that that will happen. I am pretty unhappy,, and I've confirmed.. it's well within my right to be so.
The other was sweeter but verily impossible to happen because there was actually peace.. not on earth.. jus in my family.
So today is a day of work.. more training and nail painting and vitamin taking. I will leave a couple hours early since I spent part of Monday here.. It's Lent in Louisiana so.. that means seafood.. which means a deadly version of chicken around here for me. I'll attempt this no meat thing but the first sight of shrimp and I will be on an all steak diet. I think I'll do either sushi or Agave patio later.. and maybe some Buster time.. we have an escape to plan.. I have all my sugars lined up..
Saturday, February 21, 2009
World Peace
Besides a Wii this was on my Christmas list that everyone got if they asked..
And we all know in my world.. with my people.. and the men in my life.. (even those I escort to the door) it's jus not possible.
In my little corner of heaven today I decided to pamper and reset myself.
I slept late -- was on wedding makeup duty but escaped easily since no call from Kbird.
I made coffee and read a good book and avoided cell calls til any more avoidance would have equated to a visit to the bayou and I wasn't ready for that...
I went to the local (!) grocery store for gumbo supplies... with bad hair, no makeup, a tee shirt and work out pants on. No one died. Nor did I make much eye contact....
And set about to making gumbo along with not one but two batches of the best cookies in the world..
First was a twist on last weekend's coconut shortbreads by making Almond shortbreads.. wow.
Then World Peace cookies. Chocolate with Chocolate. With chocolate. I havent actually tasted them.. from a divine couple food blogs that I'd found.. but the house smells like perfection.
Speakin of perfection.. you know it'll be a good gumbo when the chicken falls off the bone before you even start thinkin about deboning it.. I cannot wait to taste this tomorrow.. we have a cold front workin its way through.
Earlier my bestest mommy and I went to Duffy's where I had schicken corn (fried corn on the cob) and attempted to have liver for an iron boost... but the livers were bitter and mealie.. and not so yummy.. and the waitress was not so attentive.. and I almost forgot my purse.. and it's been a cursed sorta few days.
If it's droppable -- I dropped it.
If it's breakable -- I shattered it.
If it's hurtable -- I hurt it. (feelings included apparently)
If it's bitchable -- I bitched about it.
I gave tone via text.. I reconnected with a piece of my soul.. I found peace where I never thought I'd encounter it.. and I've laughed. I've laughed more in the last few days.. even through my tears ... than I have in months.
Some of it was delirious laughter.. but laughter nonetheless.
And it was pointed out to me.. that this ... space.. is for my rants.. my raves.. and loves.. but rarely do I mention the really good, really happy, really meaningful things..
And I think back to a long ago list of men (some who mattered and some who mattered very little) and an aside I added towards the end of that post..
I am afraid of jinxing myself.
Now more than ever, I see the potential. I feel the "stars" aligning.. I know what I next move is.. for me. I also see how things have worked out recently.. from corners of the world that I trusted and held true.
So for now.. it's me and you.. and you get what I give you. And if you make me react in a negative manner you'll prolly get an eyefull should you happen upon this blog.. and if you make me giggle or laugh out loud.. sigh, wish, hope, or dream.. or remember the long ago past and the girl that I was.. well.. you'll have to wait a bit longer for your day in the sun in my little world of happiness here on the bayou.
So it's a rainy, cool, Saturday nite. K'bird and I wanted to escape to New Orleans tomorrow but the Duck sorta ruined that plan.. So I am going to call my day of innerness to an end.. Tomorrow is gumbo and family.. and Monday will force me into the office for as little a period of time as possible with adventures, errands, lists, and major shopping to fit in around parades... and at LEAST one bloody mary. It's required... and Tuesday will once again find me where I want to be.
And we all know in my world.. with my people.. and the men in my life.. (even those I escort to the door) it's jus not possible.
In my little corner of heaven today I decided to pamper and reset myself.
I slept late -- was on wedding makeup duty but escaped easily since no call from Kbird.
I made coffee and read a good book and avoided cell calls til any more avoidance would have equated to a visit to the bayou and I wasn't ready for that...
I went to the local (!) grocery store for gumbo supplies... with bad hair, no makeup, a tee shirt and work out pants on. No one died. Nor did I make much eye contact....
And set about to making gumbo along with not one but two batches of the best cookies in the world..
First was a twist on last weekend's coconut shortbreads by making Almond shortbreads.. wow.
Then World Peace cookies. Chocolate with Chocolate. With chocolate. I havent actually tasted them.. from a divine couple food blogs that I'd found.. but the house smells like perfection.
Speakin of perfection.. you know it'll be a good gumbo when the chicken falls off the bone before you even start thinkin about deboning it.. I cannot wait to taste this tomorrow.. we have a cold front workin its way through.
Earlier my bestest mommy and I went to Duffy's where I had schicken corn (fried corn on the cob) and attempted to have liver for an iron boost... but the livers were bitter and mealie.. and not so yummy.. and the waitress was not so attentive.. and I almost forgot my purse.. and it's been a cursed sorta few days.
If it's droppable -- I dropped it.
If it's breakable -- I shattered it.
If it's hurtable -- I hurt it. (feelings included apparently)
If it's bitchable -- I bitched about it.
I gave tone via text.. I reconnected with a piece of my soul.. I found peace where I never thought I'd encounter it.. and I've laughed. I've laughed more in the last few days.. even through my tears ... than I have in months.
Some of it was delirious laughter.. but laughter nonetheless.
And it was pointed out to me.. that this ... space.. is for my rants.. my raves.. and loves.. but rarely do I mention the really good, really happy, really meaningful things..
And I think back to a long ago list of men (some who mattered and some who mattered very little) and an aside I added towards the end of that post..
I am afraid of jinxing myself.
Now more than ever, I see the potential. I feel the "stars" aligning.. I know what I next move is.. for me. I also see how things have worked out recently.. from corners of the world that I trusted and held true.
So for now.. it's me and you.. and you get what I give you. And if you make me react in a negative manner you'll prolly get an eyefull should you happen upon this blog.. and if you make me giggle or laugh out loud.. sigh, wish, hope, or dream.. or remember the long ago past and the girl that I was.. well.. you'll have to wait a bit longer for your day in the sun in my little world of happiness here on the bayou.
So it's a rainy, cool, Saturday nite. K'bird and I wanted to escape to New Orleans tomorrow but the Duck sorta ruined that plan.. So I am going to call my day of innerness to an end.. Tomorrow is gumbo and family.. and Monday will force me into the office for as little a period of time as possible with adventures, errands, lists, and major shopping to fit in around parades... and at LEAST one bloody mary. It's required... and Tuesday will once again find me where I want to be.
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