Heavy

When you walk outside now it's like a warm wet blanket has been wrapped around your face and you're force d to breathe through it.
I recall, distinctly, how silky the air is when the humidity is low. I relish the idea that one day that feeling will return to me.. I also ponder how long it will take.
It's like living in the middle of a big warm spa ... that you cannot escape.

In addition to the heaviness of the air.. our lives have taken a bit of a heavy weight as well. Somber posts from me are generally reserved for bad bad things..and i wasnt ready to talk about my worries and be the one who ended up wrong. I had faith.. I know I had hope.. I still do. But sometimes God's answer to prayers is "no" .. .and that's what it was this time.

My younger cousin and his wife lost a pregnancy. Early. But still.
His sister is also pregnant. I can't, for sure, say that I am thinking this is a good thing for her, for us, for the child. I understand her deep desire to have a child.. I am never one to miss the spark in someone else's eye..

I received a phone call from a ghost recently. someone who'd dropped off the face of the earth ... and he knew he'd displeased me.. and I knew it wasn't worth the battle anymore.. I looked forward to our friendship when I returned here.. and it didnt come to pass.. and as I relished the opportunity to flay him alive. . . I didn't.
He's alive. Well. Married.. or Remarried.. Whatever.

The next morning my mother asked me who I had been talking to. She made the comment that I am not as animated as I used to be these days. I suppose I am working through something.. and for a second while talking to Kris I was reminded of that girl from last summer who sat on the side of a perfect stranger.. and walked away an hour and a half later with a friend. Before being wrapped in a bubble.. before deciding it was time to come home.. before I wanted to lay down and die.
That girl ran her mouth. She was brassy and ballsy and .. yeah.
This girl is content with her choices. She listens a lil more and tries to temper her outrageous mouth in respect to her new surroundings of people who only know her as an adult.. who bakes. Not the silly, cleavage flashing, loud, constant turmoil girl.
But me. Me now. Same but different.

I suppose no matter how heavy the air is.. we carry pieces of our good and bad parts to temper the silly parts.. and these days that equates to a Nikki less animated.