Social Experiments

I should be doing training but my head hurts so badly I can barely see.. My eyes are twitching and I am almost sure that if I shake it even slightly my brain will explode and ooze goo all over.
That bad.
So instead of tryin to figure out where I went wrong in the set up of my profile to publish documents for the 2094234 time I will instead write.

I don't know how well you know me. .I dont much care. Not much lately is above the eh level anyway.. when you rescript your dream the stupid little shit kinda falls to the wayside.

Several years ago... I was young. Very young. And somehow, in the effort to do what I thought was helping a family member I took over care of her child.
Zanie was roughly 4 when I first took her. I am sure when I first decided that this would be a good idea some adult (namely momma) told me it wasnt a good idea.
I don't know that it was. I dont know that it wasnt.
I do know that we could have called it project Birth Control.
I do know it was also proof that young women shouldnt be considered responsible parents. I was mature and sure as hell not ready in the slightest.

See.. being responsible for the care and feeding of a child who couldnt express what she wanted (eggs like her momma made .. namely a boiled egg sliced by an egg slicer) and getting said child cute to go wherever.. was reason enough for me to NOT try to have a child on my own. I found out quickly the child was the cute one and I was the haggard, waspish one. I found out that I didn't rate when she had a need or a want. Or I needed or wanted quiet.

We had some simple rules.. I figured if I set expectations she'd end up a well rounded nice girl.
All I can say at this point is I handed over care and feeding of her after the storms when I realized her mother should be the important, primary figure in her life. .
But she shaped me. She molded me. She had a hand in the Nikki you know.

Rule one and the main rule was if you behave you get to go good, fun places. If you embarras me I will embarrass you more and you will never ever see fun or good again.
This rule worked. It has worked on Buster. I figure if you socialize children early and tell them what horrors will befall them you will end up with a well behaved child in public.

I didn't often say no.. but my pocket book wasnt unlimited.. I had a great amount of help in my life.. but we couldnt go whole hog all the time.. in the same effort she rarely heard no. Mostly because if I brought it up I could either afford it or had figured what would NOT happen if we did x, y, or z.

I think this is where I failed. Never did we talk about responsibilty. Never did we talk about poor choices.
Talks about drug use and drinking and smoking were lectured on for hours. Talks about boys and what was acceptable and not.. years.. some of it sunk in.
Oddly enough while doing her makeup the other nite it was " young girls shouldnt wear mascara on their lower lashes"

Where was the honor thyself and remember that boys will always always always come and go?

I thought I'd end up with this responsible, bright, well read, interested and most importantly interesting girl.

I can't say she's "done" or that she's finished.. I can say I stepped away quietly a few years ago.

I hope she comes into a few things on her own.. or by observation.
The one thing I am most thankful of my recent grown spurt is my gratitude of the most simple things.
I hope I remmeber to thank the people who join me.
To appreciate what others do for me.
To not take stuff or life for granted.
To say please. To say thank you. To say I love you.

As I remind Buster: manners!

So the social experiments? In my eyes.. fail. Zanie is an ok kid.. but still needing loads more guidance that I am, due to outside and inside circumstances, unable to provide. I don't think I realized I'd be blamed for everything thats "wrong" with her. I don't think I realized at the time that there was anything wrong with my intent or purpose.

I just wanted a happy. smart. sweet kid.
And who knows.. maybe a switch will flip at 18.

I miss when I ruled the world, set tentative schedules, and ruled with an iron fist. I miss when my disapproval equalled a different behavior because she knew her world would be rocked if something didnt give. I miss the little girl who would talk and question EVERYTHING.

If I had it to do again.. from this standpoint, I'd do almost all of it the same.. but I'd prolly put a lil more investment in the doing the right thing.. for the right reason.. more of the family matters.. yet I know.. I KNOW I did that. I know I know I know I did. So maybe I'd do it all differently.. and maybe, just maybe that failure is reason to not do it again at all.

I'm still holding out hope that my teenage mind wasn't all that off. I'd settle for an effort of appreciation. one day she'll know it matters.. people matter. this matters.