Game Over

I'd like to run hard like I used to.. to avoid this. . . . to sparkle, giggle, laugh, drink, add to the dating roster until spreadsheets are called for and no one can keep track while I make catty comments until I forget that this matters.

I'd like to remind you that my motto is 'fake it til I make it' while making you gasp at the off-the wall, cannot-be-the-way-she-really-thinks/feels comments that could so drip from my tongue like caustic honey.
I'd like to make myself believe that it doesn't matter and it will go away and everything will be sparklie dandy.

However.. somewhere along the last oh.. four years I've managed to acquire an internal aura practicalness that has apparently worn away the patina of "this doesnt matter and I don't care".

It matters.
It counts.
I care.

Somewhere after a 4 or so year recap of my dating adventures Sunday night I was reminded (again) that I am on this continuous loop. This waiting for the next big thing. I knew what it is. I knew who it is. I knew where my mind is. I knew where my leanings have led. I get it. I've ignored it. I've tried to wait myself out. I've played the waiting game and had a decent time and managed to meet some interesting individuals while waiting this out.

Like when you diet and you want chocolate. Or chocolate carmel brownies. Or chocolate scout cake. Or chocolate mocha cake. And you know you shouldnt.. so you do what alllllllllll the professionals say to do. You drink a glass of water. You eat an apple. You find a 100 calorie snack pack of some chemical crap and try to fool yourself.. except.. you want chocolate.

I want what I want until I'm done with it.
Well.. in this case.. I've wanted what I've wanted for far long enough to have gone with out it.

Time. Not time out. Time. Game over. Done. Finis. Finished. Over it.
To borrow a gamer's term.. I think it's apt to say 'Game Over'.. just without the princess at the end being rescued. Tha's a different game and this is a different story.

I've waited. Patience is not a virtue of which I practice. I am damn good at drawing a line in the sand and MAKING someone face me and my battle that I've planned out.
I'm tired.
I can no longer be understanding.
Faking it til I make it is getting old.
So is waiting.
I admit defeat. This is one thing I cannot force. I cannot... I am completely unable to make this come to a head.
All I know is my head hurts from banging it on walls that others have built up. I've used up every bit of the patience I have inside of me and it's left me really tired and worn and mostly short tempered. And sad. I really thought I could wait this out ya know.. ?

I don't know that I'm ready to play the game again. The get to know you, you're so interesting, I want to be nice to you game. I don't know that I am capable of the bullshit that is called for. So it might be slow progress. Or not. But there will not be this waiting on something that *is*not*fuckin*happenin*.

What's it mean? No more planned escapes that fall flat. No more unanswered emails. No more figuring out time differences and taking a chance that someone might be there when you "ding" them. No more sending pictures and updates and pieces of me and my adventures trying to get you to join me in this world.. or any world of your choosing or our making.. asking for input and trying to be sweet when all I want to do is scream.
So.. what's left? Moving on. There's no possessions to split. There's no town to leave or state to divide. It's all mine. There's really nothing to do but stop living life on pause. Join the rest of the world and don't look back.

No more. It's not needed when you let go.

I can't say I gave it my best.. I can say that I tried as long as I could tho.