Life lines

Every single time I think I have a grasp on who I am and where I am and who I want to be and what I am doing to get there.. I find myself grasping.. gasping.. barely breathing.

I am still on "notice" and 24 hour call to report to a different location.. Chances are this call will happen at the worst possible moment for me.. for the company.. for my world.
I've spent about 8 months and countless hours promoting and participating on a project that involves some of my favorite people. I've been cheerful and helpful and someone .. somewhere else.. has decided that it's not worth it.
Worth what? We, as an organization, have not been asked for a dime. Other than my blood, sweat, and tears.. it's free. Last I checked if someone else was willing to pay for the party you go along and let the party happen. This isn't a druggy boozie party.. it's a helpful might be worth someone's time and effort party.
And as I sat here trying to not cry I realized I might as well not even gear myself up for the fight even I expect of myself.

Railing at the walls wont work. These people have decided without regard and my opinion doesn't rate.
Funny how my personal life and professional life mirror each other.
You **would** think I'd be used to casual disregard at this point, huh?

If I were a different person I'd be lit up on a barstool right this minute. Hell if I am honest I wouldn't have crawled home since Friday.

I had to apologize last nite. Someone has been nice to me lately. Open, interested, interesting. And I know I closed him off.. starting Friday I put up some walls real quick that are quite tall and strong if I do say so myself.. worth of brick throwing and head banging.. (no one ever said I was a slow learner) and it isn't fair. So late last nite I picked up the phone (**oh, the horrors**) and attempted to explain in stilted Nikki code that I've been disappointed... and due to that... to this... I might be quick to say no.. or shut down and that he and *this* dont deserve it. Beginnings are supposed to be light and easy and full of potential. Shame on me for not enjoying the potential.. the possibility.

Today is Nita's birthday. Angels have birthdays right? Hissy was over the other nite and was playing with a bracelet.. funny we dont talk about her anymore.

So here we are. Feeling rather fatalistic and slightly morbid... but we'll pray it's just a phase. We know what to do when we fall.. I'm just dwelling for a moment... Dusting off is up next.. promise.