So.. as mentioned before #13 came with me to the annual 4th of July festival.. and survived.
And promptly took a job in another state..
And somewhere in that heat fueled nite we took a picture in front of the ferris wheel.
And he wants it.. and I want him to have it.. so I asked Libs to please get it to me..
And she did.. in a way.
When I plugged in the memory card I almost died at the 2068 pictures. No this is not a Nikki'ageration.. none needed.. she has 2068 pictures.... going back roughly two years..
And on it?
Something that has bothered me all day. It bothered me last nite. It bothered my dreams. It bothers my senses.. it just plain bothers.
Ready?
...
HA.
Like the relationship.. t'aint happening, cher!
Keith, Hissy, and I ... sitting in a favorite place.. on a favorite nite.. smiling.. with his eyes. me an almost tan pale white.. hissy..being hissy of course.. and it bothered me so that I was going to remark upon it.. but..
Too bad.. apparently my laptop disliked the idea of putting a picture of me and him online SO much it deleted the entire 2068 batch of pictures.
NOT.... ? ? ... funny (?) really.. but somehow right.
Apparently my electronic items really are trying to tell me there are better uses of my time.. perhaps this 239023098 hours of training I have a left to do in the next WEEK. & now to ask to get the camera again so I can get this shot of me and #13 printed for his going away prezzie.. I shall miss him.
But still....it should be noted... I looked happy.
~finis
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Sparks & Booms
So. The 4th has passed.. and we're all still standing.. some of us are barely breathing.. but standing.. yes.
I had scheduled a few vacation days off to expand the company holiday that was planned.. I think I had planned on escaping somewhere with someone when the vacation was picked last year.. last year.. when I was hopeful and innocent and believing in people's words and promises.
I trained the Moms and the Libs that there would be no bothering me. I slept late. I was just finishing my coffee at noon on Thursday and got a call letting me know my grandmother's sister died. It happened to be my great grandmother's anniversary. My granny had talked to her sister so she felt ok..I think it's hard to be the one left behind sometimes more than others.
It was hard hearing other people say how badly my Snoball looks. They weren't being hurtful or trying to cause harm.. they were being honest. I am ever more aware of how very blessed I am to have this time with her. with them. with you.
So instead of lounging laziness we had things to do and items on the to do list.. cooking and baking and errand running and lots and lots of heat.
After the funeral and the required visit at the family's house.. and the enjoyment of my mother's first cousins.. and the smothering heat with a tease of a breeze.. We headed home to bake (snickerdoodles) and rest.
Sometime near 430 we headed to town to prepare for the annual 4th of July parade through beautiful downtown Erath, La.
I saw some people I hadn't seen in years. I didnt necessarily speak to them.
We were hot. It was hot. We had a nice enough time and somewhere around the end I got a call from #13 telling me that he and his mother were nearby and needed to be guided in.
Once they were parked and introductions went all the way around the moms settled in my brother and Lib's house and we settled outside under a tent and on the side of a huge shop fan.
During the evening and the various visits #13 and I strolled through the fair a few times.
On my first visit I noticed a shaved head and an unshaven face.
I love the poeple I love without reason. Far too often without thinking and for far too long and well after they dont deserve it. This was a long lost friend that had hurt my feelings recently (I can't lie.. I am rather fragile these days) and in an effort to NOT put on a fireworks show on the side of the Beer Booth.. I avoided.
Until the last trip. Stupid head decided to push. I honestly always knew he had brain damage. I figured this out when after getting out of the Marines he joined the National Guard and went to freakin Iraq. Stupidhead ignored me shaking my head no. He ignored the really not nice eyes. He still strolled over... put his arms around me and proceeded to make me want to kill him. Again.
It's a love that I would expect some people feel for their siblings. Except we arent related and he's made my heart cry and while he might be living right right now.. pushing me isnt smart.
I didn't spill blood. I would love for someone to give me credit about that. .I didn't scream and I didn't explode.. #13 didn't run screaming.. I think it was fair warning to him about crossing me.
And when we got back home he received a text message about his new job. Jackonville. Great. I can do this.. possibly with a smile on my face even.. but my heart is sad..
Karma is getting a laugh at me.. but I will prevail because I can do this better for #13 than Keith did for me. If nothing else, I suck at wrapping people in bubble wrap.. and I've yet to master the apparent talent to flat out ignore the connection and bond I feel.
It was a vastly different 4th of July from last year's celebration of freedom. I cannot imagine if that 4th went differently where we'd be now.. but this is our path.. and we'll take the sparks of interest and attraction and common bond. We'll take the booms of news that we were expecting but not wanting.. We'll take it. And we'll continue our path togther.. the same but different.. adding to the circle and continuing on.
I had scheduled a few vacation days off to expand the company holiday that was planned.. I think I had planned on escaping somewhere with someone when the vacation was picked last year.. last year.. when I was hopeful and innocent and believing in people's words and promises.
I trained the Moms and the Libs that there would be no bothering me. I slept late. I was just finishing my coffee at noon on Thursday and got a call letting me know my grandmother's sister died. It happened to be my great grandmother's anniversary. My granny had talked to her sister so she felt ok..I think it's hard to be the one left behind sometimes more than others.
It was hard hearing other people say how badly my Snoball looks. They weren't being hurtful or trying to cause harm.. they were being honest. I am ever more aware of how very blessed I am to have this time with her. with them. with you.
So instead of lounging laziness we had things to do and items on the to do list.. cooking and baking and errand running and lots and lots of heat.
After the funeral and the required visit at the family's house.. and the enjoyment of my mother's first cousins.. and the smothering heat with a tease of a breeze.. We headed home to bake (snickerdoodles) and rest.
Sometime near 430 we headed to town to prepare for the annual 4th of July parade through beautiful downtown Erath, La.
I saw some people I hadn't seen in years. I didnt necessarily speak to them.
We were hot. It was hot. We had a nice enough time and somewhere around the end I got a call from #13 telling me that he and his mother were nearby and needed to be guided in.
Once they were parked and introductions went all the way around the moms settled in my brother and Lib's house and we settled outside under a tent and on the side of a huge shop fan.
During the evening and the various visits #13 and I strolled through the fair a few times.
On my first visit I noticed a shaved head and an unshaven face.
I love the poeple I love without reason. Far too often without thinking and for far too long and well after they dont deserve it. This was a long lost friend that had hurt my feelings recently (I can't lie.. I am rather fragile these days) and in an effort to NOT put on a fireworks show on the side of the Beer Booth.. I avoided.
Until the last trip. Stupid head decided to push. I honestly always knew he had brain damage. I figured this out when after getting out of the Marines he joined the National Guard and went to freakin Iraq. Stupidhead ignored me shaking my head no. He ignored the really not nice eyes. He still strolled over... put his arms around me and proceeded to make me want to kill him. Again.
It's a love that I would expect some people feel for their siblings. Except we arent related and he's made my heart cry and while he might be living right right now.. pushing me isnt smart.
I didn't spill blood. I would love for someone to give me credit about that. .I didn't scream and I didn't explode.. #13 didn't run screaming.. I think it was fair warning to him about crossing me.
And when we got back home he received a text message about his new job. Jackonville. Great. I can do this.. possibly with a smile on my face even.. but my heart is sad..
Karma is getting a laugh at me.. but I will prevail because I can do this better for #13 than Keith did for me. If nothing else, I suck at wrapping people in bubble wrap.. and I've yet to master the apparent talent to flat out ignore the connection and bond I feel.
It was a vastly different 4th of July from last year's celebration of freedom. I cannot imagine if that 4th went differently where we'd be now.. but this is our path.. and we'll take the sparks of interest and attraction and common bond. We'll take the booms of news that we were expecting but not wanting.. We'll take it. And we'll continue our path togther.. the same but different.. adding to the circle and continuing on.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Clarification for clarification's sake
A cell phone, as defined by me, is a small portable device capable of communicating with others via radio wave (huge guess) technology.
The word portable means it is able to be carried with you.
The word capable meaning "able to".
The word communicating.. well it means conversing and sharing and determining if you are flat off your rocker to go off the grid on me.
It is a non wired device. It can be answered in the bathroom or the movie theater.
It is used to return calls and texts.
It is NOT used as a paper weight unless you dont charge it.
If you do not charge it with an electrical means it will die. If it dies your voicemail picks up on the first ring. If it rings 4-5 times the device is charged and you are simply not answering.
When you are hundreds of miles away and someone calls you it means they are trying.
When you do not answer it means you are not trying.
This is a picture of me done trying to be nice. Because hundreds of miles makes it difficult for me to reach out and pinch the inner part of your thigh where it hurts the most.
The word portable means it is able to be carried with you.
The word capable meaning "able to".
The word communicating.. well it means conversing and sharing and determining if you are flat off your rocker to go off the grid on me.
It is a non wired device. It can be answered in the bathroom or the movie theater.
It is used to return calls and texts.
It is NOT used as a paper weight unless you dont charge it.
If you do not charge it with an electrical means it will die. If it dies your voicemail picks up on the first ring. If it rings 4-5 times the device is charged and you are simply not answering.
When you are hundreds of miles away and someone calls you it means they are trying.
When you do not answer it means you are not trying.
This is a picture of me done trying to be nice. Because hundreds of miles makes it difficult for me to reach out and pinch the inner part of your thigh where it hurts the most.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Heavy
When you walk outside now it's like a warm wet blanket has been wrapped around your face and you're force d to breathe through it.
I recall, distinctly, how silky the air is when the humidity is low. I relish the idea that one day that feeling will return to me.. I also ponder how long it will take.
It's like living in the middle of a big warm spa ... that you cannot escape.
In addition to the heaviness of the air.. our lives have taken a bit of a heavy weight as well. Somber posts from me are generally reserved for bad bad things..and i wasnt ready to talk about my worries and be the one who ended up wrong. I had faith.. I know I had hope.. I still do. But sometimes God's answer to prayers is "no" .. .and that's what it was this time.
My younger cousin and his wife lost a pregnancy. Early. But still.
His sister is also pregnant. I can't, for sure, say that I am thinking this is a good thing for her, for us, for the child. I understand her deep desire to have a child.. I am never one to miss the spark in someone else's eye..
I received a phone call from a ghost recently. someone who'd dropped off the face of the earth ... and he knew he'd displeased me.. and I knew it wasn't worth the battle anymore.. I looked forward to our friendship when I returned here.. and it didnt come to pass.. and as I relished the opportunity to flay him alive. . . I didn't.
He's alive. Well. Married.. or Remarried.. Whatever.
The next morning my mother asked me who I had been talking to. She made the comment that I am not as animated as I used to be these days. I suppose I am working through something.. and for a second while talking to Kris I was reminded of that girl from last summer who sat on the side of a perfect stranger.. and walked away an hour and a half later with a friend. Before being wrapped in a bubble.. before deciding it was time to come home.. before I wanted to lay down and die.
That girl ran her mouth. She was brassy and ballsy and .. yeah.
This girl is content with her choices. She listens a lil more and tries to temper her outrageous mouth in respect to her new surroundings of people who only know her as an adult.. who bakes. Not the silly, cleavage flashing, loud, constant turmoil girl.
But me. Me now. Same but different.
I suppose no matter how heavy the air is.. we carry pieces of our good and bad parts to temper the silly parts.. and these days that equates to a Nikki less animated.
I recall, distinctly, how silky the air is when the humidity is low. I relish the idea that one day that feeling will return to me.. I also ponder how long it will take.
It's like living in the middle of a big warm spa ... that you cannot escape.
In addition to the heaviness of the air.. our lives have taken a bit of a heavy weight as well. Somber posts from me are generally reserved for bad bad things..and i wasnt ready to talk about my worries and be the one who ended up wrong. I had faith.. I know I had hope.. I still do. But sometimes God's answer to prayers is "no" .. .and that's what it was this time.
My younger cousin and his wife lost a pregnancy. Early. But still.
His sister is also pregnant. I can't, for sure, say that I am thinking this is a good thing for her, for us, for the child. I understand her deep desire to have a child.. I am never one to miss the spark in someone else's eye..
I received a phone call from a ghost recently. someone who'd dropped off the face of the earth ... and he knew he'd displeased me.. and I knew it wasn't worth the battle anymore.. I looked forward to our friendship when I returned here.. and it didnt come to pass.. and as I relished the opportunity to flay him alive. . . I didn't.
He's alive. Well. Married.. or Remarried.. Whatever.
The next morning my mother asked me who I had been talking to. She made the comment that I am not as animated as I used to be these days. I suppose I am working through something.. and for a second while talking to Kris I was reminded of that girl from last summer who sat on the side of a perfect stranger.. and walked away an hour and a half later with a friend. Before being wrapped in a bubble.. before deciding it was time to come home.. before I wanted to lay down and die.
That girl ran her mouth. She was brassy and ballsy and .. yeah.
This girl is content with her choices. She listens a lil more and tries to temper her outrageous mouth in respect to her new surroundings of people who only know her as an adult.. who bakes. Not the silly, cleavage flashing, loud, constant turmoil girl.
But me. Me now. Same but different.
I suppose no matter how heavy the air is.. we carry pieces of our good and bad parts to temper the silly parts.. and these days that equates to a Nikki less animated.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I believe
I believe in good things.
I believe in bad things.
I believe in skirt days and dress days and days that are total wastes of makeup.
I believe in human angels coming along at just the right moment.
I believe in falling stars being signs from passed on loved ones.
I believe my niece and nephew can make almost anything wrong right.
I believe that when all is wrong in the world sometimes you just have to go "home".
I believe that home is where your heart is.
I believe that baby's laughter is a cure-all.
I believe that sometimes that cold breeze on a hot day happens as a sign that you shouldn't give up.
I believe in the power of chocolate.
I believe that love is possible.. even after all that's happened.
I believe you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.
I believe I am home.
I also believe in karma.
And Karma is having a laugh at me.
This time it isn't me looking to move on.
It isnt me asking for understanding and it isnt me who's worrying about the how's and when's.
the shoe is on the other foot this time.
I understand that you must follow the work til you make yourself a spot, a place, a home of your own making.. either personal or professional.
I believe that patience is a virtue of which I do not practice.
Yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I find myself sitting at a CC's coffee house waiting for a new friend.. who has, yes, been in my world.. but is still new enough to be considered an innocent.. at least in my ways.
I believe in what goes around comes around..and this time it's my turn to be understanding, to offer comfort and support.
I just hope I handle the "end" better than what was offered to me.
Perhaps that was the lesson all along.. that the "end" doesnt require yet another wall. That while I harden my heart as a response to other's failings of me and my feelings I shouldnt block myself off or punish others.
I believe I can do a better job of this with positions reversed.
More than anything, I find myself believing in someone who doesn't think me mean or heartless. Who sees and understands.. who appreciates yet doesn't crowd.. who admits his interest clearly and can communicate his frustrations at my lackings.
I believe just when you're ready to jump ... someone offers you a hand.
And who am I to ignore a hand?
I believe in bad things.
I believe in skirt days and dress days and days that are total wastes of makeup.
I believe in human angels coming along at just the right moment.
I believe in falling stars being signs from passed on loved ones.
I believe my niece and nephew can make almost anything wrong right.
I believe that when all is wrong in the world sometimes you just have to go "home".
I believe that home is where your heart is.
I believe that baby's laughter is a cure-all.
I believe that sometimes that cold breeze on a hot day happens as a sign that you shouldn't give up.
I believe in the power of chocolate.
I believe that love is possible.. even after all that's happened.
I believe you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.
I believe I am home.
I also believe in karma.
And Karma is having a laugh at me.
This time it isn't me looking to move on.
It isnt me asking for understanding and it isnt me who's worrying about the how's and when's.
the shoe is on the other foot this time.
I understand that you must follow the work til you make yourself a spot, a place, a home of your own making.. either personal or professional.
I believe that patience is a virtue of which I do not practice.
Yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I find myself sitting at a CC's coffee house waiting for a new friend.. who has, yes, been in my world.. but is still new enough to be considered an innocent.. at least in my ways.
I believe in what goes around comes around..and this time it's my turn to be understanding, to offer comfort and support.
I just hope I handle the "end" better than what was offered to me.
Perhaps that was the lesson all along.. that the "end" doesnt require yet another wall. That while I harden my heart as a response to other's failings of me and my feelings I shouldnt block myself off or punish others.
I believe I can do a better job of this with positions reversed.
More than anything, I find myself believing in someone who doesn't think me mean or heartless. Who sees and understands.. who appreciates yet doesn't crowd.. who admits his interest clearly and can communicate his frustrations at my lackings.
I believe just when you're ready to jump ... someone offers you a hand.
And who am I to ignore a hand?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
And so it goes
Birthdays come.
Anniversarys pass.
First dates happen.
Followed sometimes (hopefully) by first kisses.
The mailman passes.
The sun sets.
The moon rises.
Sometimes there are good things.
Sometimes there are bad things.
There are bad days. Horrid days. Days that you dread ever having happen again.
Sometimes there are wonderful days filled with joy when everything sparkles and takes on a golden tone. We make every effort to not take them for granted.. when we remember to.
Those days end too.
Sometimes you go to bed just to dread getting up to do it again.
Then there are the nights where you can barely lay in one spot for all the wiggling from without and within. The jump of anticipation.. the twitch of what if..
There are great announcements followed by drama tinged secondary announcements.
Peace on earth reigns and wanes (waning now as we speak).
Flowers bloom
Birds sing.
Coffee perks.
And there he is again.. just as if he'd never left. Without reason or rhyme or explanation.
And you think you imagined it.. but you know you didnt.
The one thing you've made very sure thus far is this: you are not crazy.
Twisted.. for sure. Crazy.. we wouldn't be lucky enough to rate the title of crazy.
So you focus on the good. The circle of life continuing. The joy of what was supposed to be difficult. The miracle of life. The beauty of those who do things right.. in the right order.
I never was one to follow someone else's idea of order. Or Right. Or Proper.
Twisted? Remember? But I can honor what is good. Right. True.
I pray for safety.
I pray for peace.
I pray for comfort and calm.
I pray for harmony.
And if all else fails?
I pray for hope.
As long as there is a star in the sky.. there is hope.
Anniversarys pass.
First dates happen.
Followed sometimes (hopefully) by first kisses.
The mailman passes.
The sun sets.
The moon rises.
Sometimes there are good things.
Sometimes there are bad things.
There are bad days. Horrid days. Days that you dread ever having happen again.
Sometimes there are wonderful days filled with joy when everything sparkles and takes on a golden tone. We make every effort to not take them for granted.. when we remember to.
Those days end too.
Sometimes you go to bed just to dread getting up to do it again.
Then there are the nights where you can barely lay in one spot for all the wiggling from without and within. The jump of anticipation.. the twitch of what if..
There are great announcements followed by drama tinged secondary announcements.
Peace on earth reigns and wanes (waning now as we speak).
Flowers bloom
Birds sing.
Coffee perks.
And there he is again.. just as if he'd never left. Without reason or rhyme or explanation.
And you think you imagined it.. but you know you didnt.
The one thing you've made very sure thus far is this: you are not crazy.
Twisted.. for sure. Crazy.. we wouldn't be lucky enough to rate the title of crazy.
So you focus on the good. The circle of life continuing. The joy of what was supposed to be difficult. The miracle of life. The beauty of those who do things right.. in the right order.
I never was one to follow someone else's idea of order. Or Right. Or Proper.
Twisted? Remember? But I can honor what is good. Right. True.
I pray for safety.
I pray for peace.
I pray for comfort and calm.
I pray for harmony.
And if all else fails?
I pray for hope.
As long as there is a star in the sky.. there is hope.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Life lines
Every single time I think I have a grasp on who I am and where I am and who I want to be and what I am doing to get there.. I find myself grasping.. gasping.. barely breathing.
I am still on "notice" and 24 hour call to report to a different location.. Chances are this call will happen at the worst possible moment for me.. for the company.. for my world.
I've spent about 8 months and countless hours promoting and participating on a project that involves some of my favorite people. I've been cheerful and helpful and someone .. somewhere else.. has decided that it's not worth it.
Worth what? We, as an organization, have not been asked for a dime. Other than my blood, sweat, and tears.. it's free. Last I checked if someone else was willing to pay for the party you go along and let the party happen. This isn't a druggy boozie party.. it's a helpful might be worth someone's time and effort party.
And as I sat here trying to not cry I realized I might as well not even gear myself up for the fight even I expect of myself.
Railing at the walls wont work. These people have decided without regard and my opinion doesn't rate.
Funny how my personal life and professional life mirror each other.
You **would** think I'd be used to casual disregard at this point, huh?
If I were a different person I'd be lit up on a barstool right this minute. Hell if I am honest I wouldn't have crawled home since Friday.
I had to apologize last nite. Someone has been nice to me lately. Open, interested, interesting. And I know I closed him off.. starting Friday I put up some walls real quick that are quite tall and strong if I do say so myself.. worth of brick throwing and head banging.. (no one ever said I was a slow learner) and it isn't fair. So late last nite I picked up the phone (**oh, the horrors**) and attempted to explain in stilted Nikki code that I've been disappointed... and due to that... to this... I might be quick to say no.. or shut down and that he and *this* dont deserve it. Beginnings are supposed to be light and easy and full of potential. Shame on me for not enjoying the potential.. the possibility.
Today is Nita's birthday. Angels have birthdays right? Hissy was over the other nite and was playing with a bracelet.. funny we dont talk about her anymore.
So here we are. Feeling rather fatalistic and slightly morbid... but we'll pray it's just a phase. We know what to do when we fall.. I'm just dwelling for a moment... Dusting off is up next.. promise.
I am still on "notice" and 24 hour call to report to a different location.. Chances are this call will happen at the worst possible moment for me.. for the company.. for my world.
I've spent about 8 months and countless hours promoting and participating on a project that involves some of my favorite people. I've been cheerful and helpful and someone .. somewhere else.. has decided that it's not worth it.
Worth what? We, as an organization, have not been asked for a dime. Other than my blood, sweat, and tears.. it's free. Last I checked if someone else was willing to pay for the party you go along and let the party happen. This isn't a druggy boozie party.. it's a helpful might be worth someone's time and effort party.
And as I sat here trying to not cry I realized I might as well not even gear myself up for the fight even I expect of myself.
Railing at the walls wont work. These people have decided without regard and my opinion doesn't rate.
Funny how my personal life and professional life mirror each other.
You **would** think I'd be used to casual disregard at this point, huh?
If I were a different person I'd be lit up on a barstool right this minute. Hell if I am honest I wouldn't have crawled home since Friday.
I had to apologize last nite. Someone has been nice to me lately. Open, interested, interesting. And I know I closed him off.. starting Friday I put up some walls real quick that are quite tall and strong if I do say so myself.. worth of brick throwing and head banging.. (no one ever said I was a slow learner) and it isn't fair. So late last nite I picked up the phone (**oh, the horrors**) and attempted to explain in stilted Nikki code that I've been disappointed... and due to that... to this... I might be quick to say no.. or shut down and that he and *this* dont deserve it. Beginnings are supposed to be light and easy and full of potential. Shame on me for not enjoying the potential.. the possibility.
Today is Nita's birthday. Angels have birthdays right? Hissy was over the other nite and was playing with a bracelet.. funny we dont talk about her anymore.
So here we are. Feeling rather fatalistic and slightly morbid... but we'll pray it's just a phase. We know what to do when we fall.. I'm just dwelling for a moment... Dusting off is up next.. promise.
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