Clarification for clarification's sake

A cell phone, as defined by me, is a small portable device capable of communicating with others via radio wave (huge guess) technology.
The word portable means it is able to be carried with you.
The word capable meaning "able to".
The word communicating.. well it means conversing and sharing and determining if you are flat off your rocker to go off the grid on me.

It is a non wired device. It can be answered in the bathroom or the movie theater.
It is used to return calls and texts.
It is NOT used as a paper weight unless you dont charge it.
If you do not charge it with an electrical means it will die. If it dies your voicemail picks up on the first ring. If it rings 4-5 times the device is charged and you are simply not answering.

When you are hundreds of miles away and someone calls you it means they are trying.
When you do not answer it means you are not trying.

This is a picture of me done trying to be nice. Because hundreds of miles makes it difficult for me to reach out and pinch the inner part of your thigh where it hurts the most.

Heavy

When you walk outside now it's like a warm wet blanket has been wrapped around your face and you're force d to breathe through it.
I recall, distinctly, how silky the air is when the humidity is low. I relish the idea that one day that feeling will return to me.. I also ponder how long it will take.
It's like living in the middle of a big warm spa ... that you cannot escape.

In addition to the heaviness of the air.. our lives have taken a bit of a heavy weight as well. Somber posts from me are generally reserved for bad bad things..and i wasnt ready to talk about my worries and be the one who ended up wrong. I had faith.. I know I had hope.. I still do. But sometimes God's answer to prayers is "no" .. .and that's what it was this time.

My younger cousin and his wife lost a pregnancy. Early. But still.
His sister is also pregnant. I can't, for sure, say that I am thinking this is a good thing for her, for us, for the child. I understand her deep desire to have a child.. I am never one to miss the spark in someone else's eye..

I received a phone call from a ghost recently. someone who'd dropped off the face of the earth ... and he knew he'd displeased me.. and I knew it wasn't worth the battle anymore.. I looked forward to our friendship when I returned here.. and it didnt come to pass.. and as I relished the opportunity to flay him alive. . . I didn't.
He's alive. Well. Married.. or Remarried.. Whatever.

The next morning my mother asked me who I had been talking to. She made the comment that I am not as animated as I used to be these days. I suppose I am working through something.. and for a second while talking to Kris I was reminded of that girl from last summer who sat on the side of a perfect stranger.. and walked away an hour and a half later with a friend. Before being wrapped in a bubble.. before deciding it was time to come home.. before I wanted to lay down and die.
That girl ran her mouth. She was brassy and ballsy and .. yeah.
This girl is content with her choices. She listens a lil more and tries to temper her outrageous mouth in respect to her new surroundings of people who only know her as an adult.. who bakes. Not the silly, cleavage flashing, loud, constant turmoil girl.
But me. Me now. Same but different.

I suppose no matter how heavy the air is.. we carry pieces of our good and bad parts to temper the silly parts.. and these days that equates to a Nikki less animated.

I believe

I believe in good things.
I believe in bad things.
I believe in skirt days and dress days and days that are total wastes of makeup.
I believe in human angels coming along at just the right moment.
I believe in falling stars being signs from passed on loved ones.
I believe my niece and nephew can make almost anything wrong right.
I believe that when all is wrong in the world sometimes you just have to go "home".
I believe that home is where your heart is.
I believe that baby's laughter is a cure-all.
I believe that sometimes that cold breeze on a hot day happens as a sign that you shouldn't give up.
I believe in the power of chocolate.
I believe that love is possible.. even after all that's happened.
I believe you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.
I believe I am home.
I also believe in karma.
And Karma is having a laugh at me.
This time it isn't me looking to move on.
It isnt me asking for understanding and it isnt me who's worrying about the how's and when's.
the shoe is on the other foot this time.
I understand that you must follow the work til you make yourself a spot, a place, a home of your own making.. either personal or professional.

I believe that patience is a virtue of which I do not practice.
Yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I find myself sitting at a CC's coffee house waiting for a new friend.. who has, yes, been in my world.. but is still new enough to be considered an innocent.. at least in my ways.
I believe in what goes around comes around..and this time it's my turn to be understanding, to offer comfort and support.
I just hope I handle the "end" better than what was offered to me.
Perhaps that was the lesson all along.. that the "end" doesnt require yet another wall. That while I harden my heart as a response to other's failings of me and my feelings I shouldnt block myself off or punish others.
I believe I can do a better job of this with positions reversed.

More than anything, I find myself believing in someone who doesn't think me mean or heartless. Who sees and understands.. who appreciates yet doesn't crowd.. who admits his interest clearly and can communicate his frustrations at my lackings.
I believe just when you're ready to jump ... someone offers you a hand.
And who am I to ignore a hand?

And so it goes

Birthdays come.
Anniversarys pass.
First dates happen.
Followed sometimes (hopefully) by first kisses.
The mailman passes.
The sun sets.
The moon rises.
Sometimes there are good things.
Sometimes there are bad things.
There are bad days. Horrid days. Days that you dread ever having happen again.
Sometimes there are wonderful days filled with joy when everything sparkles and takes on a golden tone. We make every effort to not take them for granted.. when we remember to.
Those days end too.
Sometimes you go to bed just to dread getting up to do it again.
Then there are the nights where you can barely lay in one spot for all the wiggling from without and within. The jump of anticipation.. the twitch of what if..

There are great announcements followed by drama tinged secondary announcements.
Peace on earth reigns and wanes (waning now as we speak).

Flowers bloom
Birds sing.
Coffee perks.
And there he is again.. just as if he'd never left. Without reason or rhyme or explanation.
And you think you imagined it.. but you know you didnt.
The one thing you've made very sure thus far is this: you are not crazy.

Twisted.. for sure. Crazy.. we wouldn't be lucky enough to rate the title of crazy.

So you focus on the good. The circle of life continuing. The joy of what was supposed to be difficult. The miracle of life. The beauty of those who do things right.. in the right order.

I never was one to follow someone else's idea of order. Or Right. Or Proper.
Twisted? Remember? But I can honor what is good. Right. True.

I pray for safety.
I pray for peace.
I pray for comfort and calm.
I pray for harmony.
And if all else fails?
I pray for hope.
As long as there is a star in the sky.. there is hope.

Life lines

Every single time I think I have a grasp on who I am and where I am and who I want to be and what I am doing to get there.. I find myself grasping.. gasping.. barely breathing.

I am still on "notice" and 24 hour call to report to a different location.. Chances are this call will happen at the worst possible moment for me.. for the company.. for my world.
I've spent about 8 months and countless hours promoting and participating on a project that involves some of my favorite people. I've been cheerful and helpful and someone .. somewhere else.. has decided that it's not worth it.
Worth what? We, as an organization, have not been asked for a dime. Other than my blood, sweat, and tears.. it's free. Last I checked if someone else was willing to pay for the party you go along and let the party happen. This isn't a druggy boozie party.. it's a helpful might be worth someone's time and effort party.
And as I sat here trying to not cry I realized I might as well not even gear myself up for the fight even I expect of myself.

Railing at the walls wont work. These people have decided without regard and my opinion doesn't rate.
Funny how my personal life and professional life mirror each other.
You **would** think I'd be used to casual disregard at this point, huh?

If I were a different person I'd be lit up on a barstool right this minute. Hell if I am honest I wouldn't have crawled home since Friday.

I had to apologize last nite. Someone has been nice to me lately. Open, interested, interesting. And I know I closed him off.. starting Friday I put up some walls real quick that are quite tall and strong if I do say so myself.. worth of brick throwing and head banging.. (no one ever said I was a slow learner) and it isn't fair. So late last nite I picked up the phone (**oh, the horrors**) and attempted to explain in stilted Nikki code that I've been disappointed... and due to that... to this... I might be quick to say no.. or shut down and that he and *this* dont deserve it. Beginnings are supposed to be light and easy and full of potential. Shame on me for not enjoying the potential.. the possibility.

Today is Nita's birthday. Angels have birthdays right? Hissy was over the other nite and was playing with a bracelet.. funny we dont talk about her anymore.

So here we are. Feeling rather fatalistic and slightly morbid... but we'll pray it's just a phase. We know what to do when we fall.. I'm just dwelling for a moment... Dusting off is up next.. promise.