Pieces of me

In my world of online training courses and long drives to and from work I have more quiet time than I did before.. time to think, process, wonder.

I find patches that are missing or painful and think over them as the adult me chooses to.. Logic has had a very small role in my world. Logic is best left to gamer girls who wear hoodies and don't get pedicures. Logic is not for me.

Til I want to apply it anyway.



I want to understand why I am the way I am.. to know me fully and well. To be sure that this definition of life and happiness that I am chasing down is the right path and not a fairy tale left over from a girl who had her nose buried in books to escape.



I don't know how.. or why.. but I somehow have misplaced a major period of my life.

I know there's that whole finding yourself thing.. but I really -- drastically really -- dont remember most of 2005.



Christmas of 2004 I had met Donnie. I remember. .it was his birthday and then Wade's birthday and they both loved Diva so.



I remember the person that I was. Clearly.



Mardi Gras came and Donnie and I had a falling out (what a surprise) and every man thereafter had to hear the story of the boyfriend who wouldnt take me to the hospital.



I do recall that I met Nathan in March or so.. in the midst of a marathon of dating.

I think the roster was at 9 or so at the time.. John with crystal blue eyes and an ex girlfriend from hell. He was slightly trumped by Shannon -- Shannon who never really rang right or true... but he took me do touch & go's at the Lakeside airport in the middle of the night with all the lights of the city seeming like a fairy tale.. but he was so.. disconnected.. like a little boy looking for more and more toys.. never where he was supposed to be.. never to be found when wanted -- or needed. There was the guy Ashley.. who thought I was picking a fight EVERY time I opened my mouth ...



Hell. Nathan..when he came along.. he seemed like a prize.

I remember that he complained about me being on the cell all the time. (I had man maintenance to do damnit!) And as we progressed and the others faded away and talk began about one townhouse instead of two.. and no roommate.. and living in (ick) Luling.. I remember the fights. I remember the lack of trust.. which made no sense.



Who was that girl that dated him? I mean if you fast forwarded over through to November/December, Donnie and I made peace -- I was at fault for not being clear.. he was an ass.. still is.. but he'll take me to the hospital and he snuggles good. Donnie has no issue with the me now to the me then.. Shannon and I made peace (he didn't admit he was married til 08 so I didn't want to kill him yet) and who can compete with a Jesuit boy--knew something wasn't right with THAT picture!? Both of them found me to be the same girl.. I still speak to them on a regular basis. They don't look at me and ask why I am different.



But who the hell was I? I cannot possibly be that same girl. My life blurs from Nathan thru Katrina. And it strikes me as odd that it's as blocked as it is.



Did I really almost marry him? Move away to freakin Indiana with him? This man that in this short period of time has faded to the point that I cannot recall much about him? When I say much.. I mean.. I can hardly remember his face. I remember his dog better than him. The stoneware.. the kitchen.. Was it just a haze of alcohol in a body that wasn't processing much of anything?



I remember shortly after Katrina he remarked that I was handling everything "very well" -- I know I am high strung and wound tight.. It was as major event in my life.. this losing of *everything.* The fact that I was vertical should have been remarkable.



Yet.. Somehow I can fit Mohammed into the picture -- I remember him quite clearly. My time with him.. my time waiting for him.. my realizing that I'd never count higher than 5 or so on the list of important things. (Personally I think it's about 10) and he was smack in the middle of post Nathan and pre Katrina.. so what the hell ?



Was that storm.. that relationship.. the losses in all aspects of my world so drastic that I blocked them and therefore him out?



Understand me well. .the man was not good news. Always a scam. Always a plan. Always twisting and turning a situation to see if he could win.. or at least best someone. A cheater before he believed everyone would cheat because he did.. Strange fights taking up all free time that shouldn't have been overloaded with him .. yet was because he had no trust.

And it all ended with me saying that if he felt so poorly about me.. if I was such a horrid person he could leave..



~Did he remember how to get back to the interstate or did he want me to draw him a map.



I did all the things I would expect of *me*. I might have put up with some crap but I learned compromise and I learned what my limits were. I didn't tolerate ugliness. I didn't allow him to stay. I pulled up that doormat and I closed the door.



But the 32 year old in me is wondering about that girl from over three years ago. I don't like that I don't remember or recall. That his face is a blurred out patch.



He shaped the me that you know.. So he should be sort of.. well.. at least remembered... no? Or maybe he didn't and it was just all part of the nightmare that was..

I know he has no role in my present.

It bothers me to lose pieces of my past.



The people I know and have known.. I carry them with me as pieces of me.. Lessons learned.. Fractures on a heart that's a little tattered at times. I don't want to lose the lesson.



Maybe the closing of that door.. the pulling up of the welcome mat.. The loss of blood flow to that part allows the blurring out. Perhaps it's for the best to not recall. Because in sitting down to make this even slightly understandable.. cleared up a few things for me.



It's been a long road my friends.

Much