mental'ish mumblings

When I chose to return home I think it's pretty clear I left a life behind.
I think it's pretty apparent that I will need to accept sooner or later each of those lives will move on in their own directions. Their worlds have not ended simply because I left.
I don't accept things well sometimes.
Sue me.

One thing that I thought was a given was I was returning to a friendship that had survived years. Marriages. Babies. Careers. Failings. Losses. Successes.
The one thing I learned in 2008 was to put myself on the list of people who matter.
In doing this I learned something else.. people in my life may be in my life to amuse me but they don't always have me on the list of people who matter.
Or to put it differently.. my ranking in their world might be different than I would have it.

And in this case I was forced to face the fact that if I mattered to me then I needed to take a stand.
Color someone surprised. Nikki will take a stand.

I thought about it over a couple of weeks. Actually, considering my first blow up with the situation happened on the nite of the LSU loss to UGA and it was significant enough to sober me after a day of heavy, hard, and bitter drinking (I remember walking into the first restaurant and walking out of the last bar) the fact that the final show down happened as recently as the end of January surprises me.

It doesn't matter what I want to squeeze or where. Sometimes I just don't get a vote.

Sometimes I take away the chance to vote.

In this case, I did. I was in a panic -- not my norm, I swear.. And I was in a tizzy. I disapprove on so many fronts. I am hurt on more than one front. I have my pride to consider, surely.. but more than that. I have my morals. My belief in what is right and true. And this situation isn't.
So wha's Nikki to do?
Buy a new top, freshen her makeup, pick up sushi.. and head to a coffee shop for the showdown of her short lived life.

I mean how fun is it to walk way from a very full, getting to be very happy life and walk in to one where you disinvite people within minutes of return? Seriously. I'm *good.*

I don't need to give you more than this.
I closed a door that's been open for 15+ years.
I pulled up the welcome mat.
I shed a few tears.. took a deep breath and headed back to the office.
And found "got to be true to myself" on the MP3 player. Followed by "I'm yours".
I've bent over backwards to try to see both of my situations clearer.

I can't. Can't then. Can't now.

The truth never changes -- Can't change my past. Can't change the lines of the person inside of me to agree with something I whole-heartedly disagree with. Can't sit there and take it, smiling, and not have every emotion of disbelief and disapproval flash upon my very animated face. Can't help but want to fix. But here's what I can do.
I can accept that *this* is the you I've loved all along.
I can accept that if I love you then I cannot change what makes you *you*.
I can accept the same idea for me.
Therefore I can change my situation by loving you as you are and allowing myself to move on.

~

It's going to a pretty empty world without you in it. Quiet. Somber. But this is my way of drawing a new face..

And in the quiet, still of my day I can admit that I actually said my goodbyes when my heart caught on to what was going unsaid. Sometimes, apparently, the mouth takes a bit longer to accept the fact as just that. The snotty bitch in me says, however, that you jus prefer to lob grenades into my world when I am forced to be polite to save the scene as opposed to deal with me when I can react.

But react I do.

And then I move on. As ever.

Much