All EYES on me

I once was in a corporate training class where the staff manager over a particular group was in charge of the training.. she had an unassuming air.. as in she would NEVER assume she was less than the ultimate of interesting.

IF she caught you staring off into space.. or wandering about the internet.. or looking at your cell phone or tryin to read a book under the guise of looking down.. she'd say (loudly)

"ALL EYES ON ME!"

So.. yeah.

I've been here a while.. I'm from here tho I haven't lived here as an adult.. in about ten years or so.. and I rarely assume anyone knows me.
I got very spoiled to wandering about Atlanta invarious forms of undress/unmakeup. I thought nothing of venturing out in workout clothes, pig tails, makeup or no, glasses or contacts... what the hell was I worried about.. no ONE knew me?

Rarely was I recognized.. unlike in New Orleans when I'd have strangers instant message me on AOL or Yahoo and tell me they'd seen me out on a date.. or sitting outside the building with a friend on a smoke break..

So.. yes.. Atlanta and its big city no one knows muchless cares about the fluffy girl with cleavage spoiled me. I liked it. It enabled me to relax from the days that I woke up and put make up on ... right away.

A few weeks ago one of the guys in the office said he saw me at Walmart.. I remember hte day.. I was in a rush and not feeling well and particularly ugly that day.. makeup didnt set.. hair didnt do.. and my general outlook on the world was not nice..
He didn't say hello and was later apologizing for not seeking me out..

um.
Ok. I need to think about this.
I assume no one knows me ... I assume no one is payin attention. I venture about here as if I am unaware of those around me.. mostly because.. I AM. If we were in Abbeville or Erath I'd pay attention.. I am also (sadly) accepting of the fact that I live here now and will have to stop seeing "through" those I dont wish to make nice.. and start... makin nice. Sucks. Hurts. Bites. Hate it.

So today at lunch when I felt like a few people kept looking at me I tried to tell myself I was stupid. I normally people watch.. its a bad habit that is a major guilty pleasure of mine.. like trashy romance novels I try to limit my intake.. it appears rude and well.. unless you're at a casino or on Bourbon St it's disconcerting.

Then this old man stops me. I say old man.. he wouldnt be in the age range I'd choose to date. Hell. He might not be in the age range that Anna Nicole Smith would date.. and he LOOKS like he has a question... and I was raised right and am in a semi good mood.. so I (admittedly) smiled and made eye contact..
At which point he wondered if ANYONE had ever told me I was beautiful?

No. No one. Ever. And stop sounding so incredulous. I know it's a bad hair day.. and I still chose to not wear a paperbag.

I don't think he meant it as a compliment.
I am sure my face reacted for me.

I need to remember every now and then the eyes do end up on you.. even when you're the one doin the people watching.
And I might should avoid eye contact from now on, huh?

How can I be wrong when it feels so right?

So.. I was wondering as I was owwie from yesterday while walking to the bathroom..
Does everyone do squats in the stand up tanning bed?

Then I realize.. they dont.
Prolly don't even think about it.
That made me realize..
People prolly don't look for dead bodies on the side of the road or in ditches either.
Nor do they hunt lightenin bugs or falling stars.
People .. other people.. prolly dont get teary over lady bugs, or cardinals, or even a baby's laughter.

People prolly don't call bathtime bubbles and nap time snuggles.

People.. most people .. prolly don't enjoy lines and sitting in traffic or even reading instruction booklets of anything and everything they buy.

But I think we've prolly established that I am unlike anyone else out there.

But seriously.. you're stuck in the stand up bed and it's hot and the radio's broken and you forgot your zunie.. what else is there to do but squats.. or plies.

Tell me a story..

It's been a wild and crazy ride hasn't it?
I mean.. if you keep up.. or even jus stroke tally.. I'm on a mission and not quite sure where it's takin us..
So.. in honor of the fact that I've faced more than one of my fears lately..

E came over on Saturday and told me his mom was takin Snowball to Mass.. and while he brought us outside to see if I still knew how to work a pit (I do, but we always deny knowledge in case it stops a man from feelin.. like.. manly) ..
And walking back into the house a ladybug lands on me.
And while my heart kinda stopped a second and a part of my soul smiled and reached for my cell phone.. the rest of me remembered this.

A long time ago there were two little girls. One was mine and one was firmly determined to not be with us ... especially at bed time..
And me being me.. I created all sorts of games and things to avoid said tears and sneaking to the livin room to call her momma and daddy..
There were tickle fights, alphabet games, sammichs, and bedtime stories.

The rules were simple.. I started and we all took a turn.

"Once upon a time there was a queen with two little princesses.. one was as fair as the other was dark.."

And depending on who had managed to earn my wrath in the day/night/weekend... someone's head would roll.
Sometimes that someone's head would roll over and over again.Sometimes said person was cast into the role as troll..Sometimes a fair prince.. sometimes an honorary uncle..


Over the years the sleepovers have ceased.
Over the years we've lost track of our troll.
We've had a major turnover in the cast of our fairytale.

And then.. just as we think that we've seen the last of the old cast of characters..
enter stage left a troll from years and years ago.
He once had a part near and dear to the region that housed my heart.

And he wasn't ugly nor was he rude... And it was like all those times I thought about being home again.. except you know.. for the part that I'm already home and entirely a different person than he used to torture.

And standin there in my supposed wig and my apple green dress.. I flashed for a second to the ladybug landing on my arm.. and the long ago conversation that ladybugs bite.. he knew.. and this one does too. And I am reminded of the quick tempered, sharp tongued girl of the past. Who was as quick to anger as she was to forgive.. She made some mistakes.. she changed her path.. she made her choices even when people said she'd be sorry. And there she is standing in front of the church facin her past with her currents firmly alongside of her. -- and right about then her princesses walked up.. one just as fair as the other was dark.. and joined me.

and there we are. . . together again.

For no other reason than the ending of the story I am glad to have been able to be polite. And he was kind and it was peaceful. And that my friends is the moral of the story.. when you can go home and face your demons and end up at the end of the nite in the midst of your family with a smile on your face (belly dancing or no belly dancin) you know that you're in the right spot.. you're in the right place.. you're on the right path. You knew it all along.. you jus needed to be reminded of the old you and why she had to go where she did to become this person you know so well.

And they will all live happily ever after.. Just as soon as I finish writing the script.

Sitting on hold is never good

So I am sitting on hold with Wireless to discuss my cell phone attempting to operate itself.. it's an exchange and not really a good sign that within three weeks this piece of technology no longer needs me.. who does it think it is? My last non boyfriend?
So in sittin through a new training course, a call about how diverse we want to be, and a semi announcement from my director that publishin is comin my way I was talking with one of my office mates about my life.
I don't know about you.. and I am sure there is a blog or seven in me about why I like to bake.. I think there is something very soothing to the process of baking.. it's a precise science ... in my eyes.. cooking is creating.. baking is science. You must be exact when you're baking a cake.. cupcake cookies are forgiving but not everything is as loose and carefree..
Anyway.. in talking and sitting here on hold I started thinking how much I miss cooking with someone.
Scott.. the chef.. was prolly the worst about sharing cooking.. he was wonderful about creating for me but I was to sit and sip and not actually participate.. I like participation.
Lane .. was better about sharing but it was more of a " I'll cook this you cook that" thing.. but he was fair about givin over recipes and we almost miss him some days and dont really understand what the disconnect was but arent that interested so as to track him down and force him to explain.
And .. yeah. that's it.
I've got people to cook and bake for these days. I have plans and potential for the future. I know it's coming..

There are times I think .. gee I miss this or that.. then I realize it isnt the 'what' but the 'who'.. This time.. I think it's the what. The act of cooking together and visiting while doing the stupid chores and clean up as you go (ok fine..someone to pick up my mess) and then sitting together and eating or drinking or laughing and talking.. nothing is simple these days.

So for now I'll appreciate my baking parnters.. even if they do tend to eat the sprinkles.. and I'll wait for the next course to come up I suppose.

I found a great recipe to try this weekend if I actually cook.. if it turns out well it'll be good to share. .cant wait.

Much love..