As I live & breathe (or try to)

So I am trying out a new wireless card and have the tiniest of slivers -- this doesnt bode well for my 30 day trial muchless continued connection with the outside world.

Lots of words and rants and rambles are locked inside my head.

Here's what I know:

I am happy I am home.
This is why I moved back.
I do not want to hurt people further.
Feelings matter to me more than I let on.
Chocolate cannot fix everything.
I've seen some of the most beautiful sunsets since I've moved home.
I am more than worried about more than one old friend.
I am going to be doing something tomorrow I never, ever imagined allowing to happen.
Life is beautiful and complicated and the biggest revelation of them all?
If I could choose a single other person's life -- someone I know.. I wouldnt.
I would not change a thing.

I *am* the girl who left -- just to come back. On purpose. Not because she had to.. but because she wanted to. This is where I wish to be.

That doesnt mean I cannot look wistfully at the married couples who have someone to lean on... to pay the bills.. to rant OR whine to.. but it also means there's a sly little voice when I climb underneath my 800 threadcount sheets with the fan blasting and turn the tv on a girlie movie after speaking to a friend or two that says.. mmmmmmm and we are missing ... nothing at all right now.

Guess that says I'm not ready.. or that its not required to survive right this minute. And that's just as ok as other people's choices are for them. That bright beautiful partnership I IMAGINE... is most often times simply that, my imagination.

I'll take my reality over their misery any day.

More posts to come.. I would like to tell you what Christmas means to me.. but I'd prefer to cry tomorrow. Today was frustrating enough (yes, ma'am there's a blog for that too).

On a lighter note.. I believe I am going to divide this mindset of a blog into two.
Here you will find musings about family life and all the yummies I cook or plot and scheme to cook.. and the other will be about .. well.. me. and my choices in life and living. We'll see how it goes.. Much love.. and remember.. if I haven't managed to offend yet.. just you wait. No tellin what this chick is gonna say.