What I don't understand

First off.. Welcome to my mother.. Seems as tho she followed through with her threat to finally track me down online.. and K'bird helped -- and that's ok.
So.. my tangent this morning is people who were raised right.. who know the right thing to do.. yet they refuse to do it.
They are old enough.
They have reasons to live clean.
They know better.
Yet.. there they go.

Most of my family, if reading this, will think I am speaking about family members.. and quite honestly -- I could. But I'm not.

In my time in Atlanta, one person annoyed me more than any person on the known planet.
That's pretty bad.
Lets call him Carla. That's right. A boy with a girl's name.
He may not have had the Disney version of a home life. His parents may have made religious choices that would make most coonasses in SouthWest Louisiana scratch their heads.. but you know what? They fed him. Put a roof over his head. Sent him to school. Taught him the evils of drugs and alcohol.

What's he do?
The question, my friends, is what hasn't he done.

I met him when he was supposedly living right. Clean. Sober. Working. Wanting a good life in the right manner.
People aren't the same as me.. they dont get that sometimes dabbling in drugs is just as bad as using them every day.. they don't see the gateway of "escape" is always open and when they *think* they've messed it up bad enough -- dabbling wont be enough if thas the way out they've chosen.

So this brings us to Carla.
1.5 months in jail. For burglery and credit card fraud.

Dude is smart. Smarter than I. And this is what he's done to his life.
I guess I can thank the heavens that he doesn't have kids that are going to have to live this down in the public eye. That his mom and dad will, for sure, cut him off now. For good.
That I don't have to see it.

What I see here is bad enough.. and I've finally learned you cannot help or save everyone. Sometimes they don't want anything different.

So.. for the second time in less than a month.. I am closing a door and pulling up the welcome mat. My chances of our paths crossing here are less. Which is good because I'd be prone to kick his ass at this point.. but I still, for me, will let someone go while I can still stand the thought of them. Before my opinion and values and all those "nassy" things get in the way of saying that we cannot be friends and distance myself. At least, in this case, the miles between Atlanta and Louisiana do a good enough job.

I still don't get it though.

Flat

Land.. Accents..

There is no way you can compare my life here to my life in Atlanta.
It struck me last nite as I was driving home.. you can see. as far as the eye can see -- you can see. No mound of dirt or hill or whatever... No curves.. no bends.. no rise.. no lows.

I am happy to be here.. and I am filled with the wonder of it all. It's a beautiful place.. it's home. Yet I miss another place which has its own level of beauty.

In Atlanta I knew exactly where to go when I needed.. anything.

Comfort? Patio seating? Laughs? Warm comfort food? Home? Ease? Shopping.. Pedicures.. Haircuts.. colors.

Here's what struck me ... I drive home on the "lake" road.. because it's got curves.

I crave sitting outside. I know all too soon the weather will be unbearable and I will only want air conditioning.. now while my fellow Louisianians are bundled and shivering I am pulling windows open and breathing deep.. looking for that bite in the air.

I miss patio bars.. Sports or otherwise. Wired for internet to sneak away or to be ABLE to sneak away durin the work day.. I never went to the Rusty Nail during work.. but I always knew I had that option of escape.

Coworkers who became like family. Who knew, upon looking at me if it'd be a run errands day, a go to the mall for lunch day, a bake a chocolate cake day, a Keith ended up in the lake day. Who could make me laugh instead of cry.. Who knew if I cried everyone in the general area was in danger.

When I tell you I don't regret coming home one bit it isn't a fib or a lie or a stretching of the truth. This is where I wish to be. This is home. This is me. I am perfectly at peace. I am just used to a bit more of .. advancement.

I'm willing to trade the office coffee pot for a phone with a mute button.

I am willing to miss a lil bit of Buster to have lunch with Joy and Steve and Sharon and talk about my dating escapades.

I miss issuing demands of a dinner out with Chris and his brothers and sister in law.
I miss my tanning girls.
I miss Fortune Cookie and Top Spice and the ability to go to Hot Stix and annoy Keith with it even if we werent speaking.

I think I'd trade speaking to Keith for an inperson fight with him.

Odd? Prolly.
Me? For sure.

I miss the gays. I know there are gays here.. but they dont live as openly.

I miss my people. I miss my space. I miss my office. I miss my coworkers. I miss my realm.

Yet there is an inner glow within me.. a simple smile that happens almost hourly when I am doing all the things I came here to do.

Mondays are exercise while momma works with her ladies days.
Tuesdays we cook and have dinner with Snowball. We've even added Buster into this mix
Wednesdays are errands and cook something simple days.
Thursdays is my nite to cook something different for momma that she wouldnt try on her own (thank God for Food Blogs)
Fridays.. wind down and wind up with family.. in the middle of a drama filled nite or a Buster movie nite.. or a crawfish with the favorite aunt and cousin nite.

I am less cranky here. Less prone to bite, snip, or snap.

I just carved out my own little world while I couldn't be here and I miss it. And I know the grass is always greener.. but as my day falls flat.. Well.. I felt the need to honor the fact of why I miss what I miss. I know I will settle into this life.. Find my routine.. make my own people.. And I know I'll return to the social whirl that is me.. for now.. I feel the need to become a bit more at peace with this world I've chose. And to soak up my family and time with them before adding more "new" to my new world. My flat new world.

Thank you

Simply.

I expected this "branch" in the road, if you will, months ago.

Three months ago when I chose to come here I expected to lose out and be cut off.

Three months is a long time.
Much longer than I expected.

I don't suppose I should be mad... if I was prepared for it. I think I just forgot for a minute..

But -- thank you. I feel like pieces of me are on your walls and part of your life. Perhaps it will remind you of me as we part ways -- again.

I hate when I am right.

The Best, so far

So. .I am lacking in updating you on these adventures of mine here.


I returned to Louisiana and the fold of the family the week of Thanksgiving 2008.


Keith was ever so wonderful enough to drive me (be dragged along) and put up with pretty much the worst amount of Murphy's Law one could ask for.. but who's surprised? I was involved.

We wrapped up the trip with a side trip to New Orleans.. Keith had never been and my love for the city and its people and places is well known around anyone who can stand me. I hope my fair city made an impression.. I hope he comes back -- there are so many places we didn't come near to getting to.

The weekend after things got back to normal and after a week of work in a new building with the appearance of a familiar face from Atlanta to give me courage.. was a jewelry show.

Now.. one of the hardest things about living in Atlanta was missing out on all the family events and shopping that I would WANT to partake in.. but how can you say I want x, y, z from the jewelry show when you have no idea whats available and God forbid you trust your mothers taste -- or my mother anyway ..

I was tired. Worn out. I can't say I'm the most energetic person ever.. but the trip and the emotions of leaving -- even with the drama of getting here to distract me -- were wearing.. and I was sad and homesick.. for my other home.


I did *not* want to go to the show. Money was tight.. Holidays were coming..

Mom did *not* want to go to the show. Her own reasons will remain jus that.. her own.


I was cranky. I was not much fun. I am particular about my personal space and ladies at jewelry shows don't much respect personal space.. muchless manners.

Momma was determined to find a few things. My Aunt Sue had asked for us to look for a few things. I had my own list of wants for K'bert's birthday and Christmas .. If the price was right.

I had my own mission ... but I think that's another post

So here my mother and I are ... dragging each other around this convention center in Baton Rouge. . . surrounded by ladies of all sorts.. MOST lacking manners.

And while my mom looked at wall art I looked up to see a classmate of my mothers.


I've always been a bit more grown up than I should be.. but this particular lady had a son a year or two older than me and a daughter a year or two younger than me.. and she was always kind and I liked her.. she amused me.. So I was pretty happy to see her.


As we sorta scrambled to gather and visit things are going well.. I am being polite and interested -- something I sometimes have to strive for around people from home.. I just dont like the fake "hi how are you" visits... it's too much like being in WalMart and not wanting to see or hang around to see what all is going on... but like I said.. I liked this lady.

Til she looked me up and down and said.. something towards...
" so.. what.. did you finally get married.. ever have any kids or what? "


Yes. My friends.. it has happened.. and in the most blunt of manners.


I wonder if I should type up a short blurb of some sorts to hand out in these instances.. as I apparently am the last person from my home town to settle in (more on that to come) and at least pop out a kid or two.. or seven.

My blurb would go something like this:

I am 32 years old. I have managed to become a semi responsible human
being and am well liked and considered as a well spoken, well regarded adult in
my chosen career.

I recovered from a major natural disaster and chose to leave my
home and family to move on in said career and life. While doing this I
have provided my family, friends, and various loved ones with hours of
entertainment as I attempt this thing called dating. I have determined the
following:

I am happy single. Yes. I know... I'm quite fluffy still. Yes, I had that surgery.
I am interested in men. If you know of a mister wonderful who can afford me and still be attracted to me and amused by me.. by all means give them my contact information. My mom might have a cow or two set aside for a dowery. I am sure.
I have made poor (but very entertaining) choices in the people I allow into
my heart.
I refuse to settle and be miserable with someone just to appease you or the general population of our small town.
I plan on having a child with or without said husband and then I'll really,
really give you and your family something to talk about.

I did answer her.. I am sure I either went (more) pale or bright red.. I don't think I need to inform her of my full dating history.. yet I also refrained from asking about her unwed daughter/grandchild(ren) and if she's still livin in sin.. which... my loves, is something very Nikki like. And yet.. it's over. it's the best one yet.. of these moments of "I did this to myself when I chose to come home."

The best so far.. yet I know.. there's more to come.

So.. One post from the past.. with a tinge of time it's not as devastating as it felt like at the moment.. I suppose I can see the humor in it now.


It did make me feel slightly better when I spoke with one of my cousins (Jlizzie) who informed me that said unmarried daughter used to cringe when her mother opened her mouth.. apparently she's lacking couth. And that's ok. Just dont be surprised when I hand you a small print out with an about me section so we can save time and you have notes as a point of reference when you discuss me later.



By the way... our day continued. I found a pendant.. and found out Santa would get me the matching ring to my earrings that I love so much.. and I wear it now.. daily. And it reminds me of my journey.. of a year away .. and a struggle to get home.. to do *this* exactly.. because, after all, I was raised right.

Joy

It's unexpected, sudden, and overwhelming. It's joy.

Not to be confused with happiness, joy comes in fleeting moments of shiny perfection when the edges between us and others blur.

It's a gift, one that comes from someplace deep and divine on its own terms and schedule.

While you cannot manufacture it, you can cultivate the soil of your own soul so that you are open to more joy.

Life goes by quickly. If you are not paying attention, you will miss the quiet magic of many moments. We are generally too busy trying to squeeze more and more activities into less and less time. We fail to savor and enjoy potential sources of joy that may be all around us -- whether it's our work, an outing, a piece of music, the landscape, our soulmate, or our children.
~ pg 200 December 2008 Better Homes & Gardens

Christmas Rush

So. I know it's weeks late.. and you'll forgive me if this is something you don't believe in..

But.. the Christmas rush to me is what I think I missed the most when I couldn't be home.



The constant grocery list and running off errands.. the baking list ... the menus.. the demands.. the desires.. the WANT for the history to be passed down to the younger ones.. for them to remember Gram and that Poppa's favorite candy was divinity.



Do you know a perfect divinity is.. impossible? I thought I'd freeze to death while we were tryin to get them done.. My adult taste buds say that the closest thing in my head to compare it to.. is homemade marshmallow perfection. No crunch of sugar.. dissolving on your tongue.



I expected this year for Buster to be more involved.. he has had soooo much interest in previous years.. this year in the weeks leading up to the big baking rush he wanted to bake cookies and use sprinkles but when we actually started the candy and cookie making time he wanted to be in the bed with his portable dvd player and cars. Yes. He watches the same movie over and over again.. or he did until I put a stop to it.

I will pull together some more thoughts and try to share them for future rememberances..

As I live & breathe (or try to)

So I am trying out a new wireless card and have the tiniest of slivers -- this doesnt bode well for my 30 day trial muchless continued connection with the outside world.

Lots of words and rants and rambles are locked inside my head.

Here's what I know:

I am happy I am home.
This is why I moved back.
I do not want to hurt people further.
Feelings matter to me more than I let on.
Chocolate cannot fix everything.
I've seen some of the most beautiful sunsets since I've moved home.
I am more than worried about more than one old friend.
I am going to be doing something tomorrow I never, ever imagined allowing to happen.
Life is beautiful and complicated and the biggest revelation of them all?
If I could choose a single other person's life -- someone I know.. I wouldnt.
I would not change a thing.

I *am* the girl who left -- just to come back. On purpose. Not because she had to.. but because she wanted to. This is where I wish to be.

That doesnt mean I cannot look wistfully at the married couples who have someone to lean on... to pay the bills.. to rant OR whine to.. but it also means there's a sly little voice when I climb underneath my 800 threadcount sheets with the fan blasting and turn the tv on a girlie movie after speaking to a friend or two that says.. mmmmmmm and we are missing ... nothing at all right now.

Guess that says I'm not ready.. or that its not required to survive right this minute. And that's just as ok as other people's choices are for them. That bright beautiful partnership I IMAGINE... is most often times simply that, my imagination.

I'll take my reality over their misery any day.

More posts to come.. I would like to tell you what Christmas means to me.. but I'd prefer to cry tomorrow. Today was frustrating enough (yes, ma'am there's a blog for that too).

On a lighter note.. I believe I am going to divide this mindset of a blog into two.
Here you will find musings about family life and all the yummies I cook or plot and scheme to cook.. and the other will be about .. well.. me. and my choices in life and living. We'll see how it goes.. Much love.. and remember.. if I haven't managed to offend yet.. just you wait. No tellin what this chick is gonna say.